


Translucent

by Mangoyogurt



Category: Star Wars - All Media Types, Star Wars Sequel Trilogy
Genre: Action, Angst, Eventual Smut, F/M, Fluff and Angst, Fluff and Smut, Post-Star Wars: The Last Jedi, Smut, Tag As I Go
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2018-07-26
Updated: 2019-05-09
Packaged: 2019-06-16 19:01:41
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 17
Words: 29,085
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/15443724
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Mangoyogurt/pseuds/Mangoyogurt
Summary: A bout of bad timing and poor decisions results in an enigma from Kylo Ren's past to resurface. Although he doesn't recognize her, she certainly remembers him.





	1. The Consequence of Banter

Wisps of smoke floated above as you mindlessly circled the straw inside your glass. The sound of ice sloshing against amber liquid could almost be calming if you weren’t currently situated inside of a crowded cantina. Despite the relatively jovial atmosphere surrounding the area, you were in one of your moods. You’d like to tell yourself it was because you were about to take on your last hit before retirement. The truth was probably sitting right before your eyes though. 

Quite literally. 

A solitary holoprojector sat on the bar. It was feeding a single transmission - propaganda footage of the new Supreme Leader. All across the galaxy, planets were trembling as Kylo Ren emerged from the ashes and swiftly exerted control through a ruthless crusade against disorder. To any other passerby, you were just another individual enraptured by the sight of a man who exuded brute strength and power. 

That’s not why you were so taken by the image though. You didn’t see Supreme Leader Kylo Ren. You saw Ben Solo. _Your_ Ben Solo. You had loved him once, when you were just younglings chasing time as you explored each other’s abilities and bodies. He had made you feel complete, despite your imperfections and troubled upbringing. It was that troubled upbringing that had interrupted your training at the temple and lead you to disappear just before it fell at Solo’s hands. 

Although you never became a full-fledged Jedi, you still harnessed the power of the Force. It was that scrappy nature of yours that made you so dangerous after all. You possessed the power, but never the discipline. So here you were, welcoming the night as you mused over a love now lost. Because you loved Ben Solo, but he grew into a man completely foreign and unfamiliar. 

Ben Solo would live forever in your heart untouched, even if Kylo Ren would have to die. 

It was a ridiculous job, really. _Kill the Supreme Leader_. But you were greedy, a bit reckless, and had a taste for expensive things. One last hit, and you’d be done for the rest of your life. You’d never have to kill again, and you could go and do whatever it was that civilians enjoyed on their days off. Patting the sides of your pants, you unconsciously felt for your blaster and dagger. A quick brush over your hips, and you confirmed a lightsaber was still attached to the belt. 

Swiftly standing, you threw a shawl loosely over your shoulders and gave it a quick wrap so the bottom half of your face was covered. Skulking out into the night, you headed off to your meeting point. It was always the same - half-payment due before the job, and the rest after completion. This would be the first time your illustrious sponsor would make himself known, and you were feeling unusually nervous as the Force aggressively buzzed around your body.

After all, who would be crazy enough to try and kill Kylo Ren? You figured you’d take the chance anyways. Even if the whole job was botched, half of the payment was still enough to disappear somewhere comfortable for a while. Just enough time for the dust to settle before poking your head out again. 

Your heels clicked against pebbled stones that lined an alleyway behind the cantina. A sharp left turn, then right. You continued to stalk across the night before arriving at a dead end. Something was wrong. You double checked the coordinates sent to you earlier. The numbers were correct, but this wasn’t the expected warehouse. A lithe man flanked by two burly individuals suddenly stepped out from the shadows. 

“Hello boys!” Swinging your leg out into a defensive stance, you placed a palm against your blaster. There was no beating around the bush now - these men clearly meant trouble. The smaller man let out a long groan. Rubbing his temples in an annoyed fashion, he complained, “I was hoping it wasn’t you.” 

Fingers twitching, you pulled back in surprise. 

“Armitage?” 

The red-headed man threw his head back and ran a hand through his hair. His voice took on an exasperated tone. “Of course it’s me.”

Everyone with a functioning brain knew General Hux. But you knew _Armitage_. Somehow between taking on a few private jobs ( _may his father rest in peace_ ) and running into each other on missions turned into a burgeoning friendship. At least, as much of a friendship a general and hitman could possibly share. At the very least, the two of you shared immense mutual respect. Usually that resulted in Hux turning a blind eye to your rather nefarious jobs, and you refusing hits that would greatly inconvenience his career. 

“Are you trying to kill Kylo?” 

“ _Of course not_. Don’t be ridiculous. We’re calling fake hits to lure out disloyal individuals with a...specific skillset. You know, this would be a lot more comfortable if you had just taken my job offer.” 

Despite relaxing your posture, your hand still remained on the hilt of your weapon. Leaning on a hip, you smirked at the man. 

“You know I prefer freelancing, Armitage.” 

“That’s a term for _mercenary_ I’ve never heard before.” 

Scoffing into nothing, you turned your nose up at the General. Normally the banter would be enjoyable, but his tone was missing the usual playfulness he had with you. He sighed and gave a lazy gesture towards your direction. 

“You know that I’ll have to take you in now, right? Ren is expecting a body, and if I return without one it’ll be treasonous.” 

Batting your lashes at the General you gave him a pout. Usually he’d be taken by your girlish charm, but not today. He sighed, “I hate this just as much as you. Either we execute you on the spot, or I take you in for reconditioning.” 

“Well, I’ll take the execution, please.” 

Hux huffed as he eyed your rebellious stance. Arms bent at the side, with both palms resting on your weapons, he knew that you wouldn’t come easily. It was a good thing that he was always prepared though. Just as you were about to throw another retort at the man, you stumbled as a sharp prick pinched the side of your neck. 

Damn, you should have known better than to let your guard down during banter! Your mother had always warned that your love for arguing and monologues would get you into trouble. Palms sweaty, the world began to dim as consciousness made its great escape. Just before you hit the ground, a certain ginger haired man caught you delicately in his arms. 

Dragging your limp body down the alley, he wondered what Ren would think of you.


	2. The Rancor Would've Been Preferred

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo meets the woman Hux insists of saving.

No, no, _no_. You threw your body against a plane of glass over and over again. Logically, you knew that despite your physical strength, you were still small in stature. There was no way a frame like yours would break through the wall. That didn’t matter though. You were here to make a _point_. 

Just inches away on the other side, Kylo Ren stoically observed your bruised body as it continued to fling itself against the barrier. He turned to the left and inquired, “I thought you said she was one of the best...”

His sentence was interrupted by another _thump_ of soft flesh hitting hard glass.

Kylo gave a meaningful pause before continuing, “She seems _imbalanced_.” Hux awkwardly cleared this throat and responded, “She’s a firecracker, but intelligent and resourceful. Of course she’s in need of some guidance, but I can assure that you’ll find her effective.”

Reaching out with the Force, he grazed the surface of Hux’s thoughts. Non-romantic attachment, but fond nonetheless. Kylo was intrigued by his General’s relationship with the woman in the cell. He could understand if Hux was trying to save her due to some misguided carnal desire. That wasn’t the case though. He truly believed she was worthy of living, even if he had no personal benefit from the fact. 

Crossing his arms tightly behind his back, Kylo nodded towards Hux. “Very well, prepare the prisoner.”

Meanwhile, you were ignoring your sore body as you continued to throw it against the wall in frustration. A lazy voice suddenly crackled through a hidden sound system. 

“I’d prefer if we didn’t have to send another meddroid in there. You keep breaking my things.” 

Looking down, bandages ran up and down your arms and torso. Upon arriving on base, Hux had called for a basic health examination. Unfortunately for the innocent droid, you had taken to tearing it apart in a fit of anger, leading to several lacerations along your body as metal pierced skin. 

“What do you want from me, Hux?” 

Silence permeated the space, only to be filled by the humming of lights above. You leaned against the glass, and felt your body slump towards the floor in defeat. Head between knees, the hiss of blast doors opening caught your attention. Poised as ever, the General quickly strode into the room with short steps. 

Standing barely an inch away from your slouched body, his hands remained firmly clasped together. You could feel the conflict of emotion spiraling around the man. He was torn between sympathy and the coldness of his typical professional demeanor. Tilting his chin downwards by just a hair he sighed, “Your skillset is too valuable to be thrown away during reconditioning. We could use a specialist such as yourself in the First Order. I could make things _very_ comfortable if you’d stop being so stubborn.”

Turning your head sideways, you rested an ear against your leg as you considered Hux’s words. Although the man was asking you to join his organization, he wasn’t really _asking_ , was he? Things were pretty cut and dry at the First Order - comply, or face the consequences. Sighing, you gave him a curt nod. 

“Very good. The Supreme Leader will be in shortly to evaluate your...loyalties.” 

Alarm coursed through your veins as you abruptly leapt up from the ground. “ _NO!_ Armitage, you _know_ you don’t have to worry about me. I swear that I’ll -“

The man cut you off, completely misunderstanding your panic. Giving your arm a dry pat, he soothed, “I understand your fear. It’ll be over quickly.” 

You could handle a good old-fashioned mind probe. That wasn’t the issue. It was coming face-to-face with your childhood lover that was the problem. You were pretty sure that Kylo Ren thought you to be dead by now. Despite hiding in the shadows of society, even you had heard about _that girl_. The scavenger who continued to escape Kylo’s clutches. The girl he continued to chase across the galaxy. The girl who took your place in his heart and had stolen his affections.

Of course you had no right to be _jealous_. It wasn’t as if you hadn’t taken up your own lovers. But following the call to make murder a profession didn’t exactly lend itself to someone who employed rational thought. By the time you came to terms with what was happening, Hux had already disappeared from the room. 

Pacing back and forth, you opted to learn against the wall with arms folded across your chest. Facing the door head-on, you did your best to muster an aura of control and confidence. Hopefully relaxing against the wall would show that you were at ease and unconcerned. 

_Come on, woman. You once took on a jungle rancor by yourself. Surely you can handle meeting a girlhood crush!_

Did a minute pass? Or maybe a millennium. Either way, time ceased to matter as the blast doors slid open a second time. 

There he stood in all his glory. His hair was longer now, and his eyes colder. Somewhere along the line, a war had turned a boy into a man. Kylo faltered for a second as your eyes met, causing the Force to crackle in the air like static. The feeling was so strong it almost felt like someone had punched the air out of your chest. 

Quickly regaining his composure, he stalked into the room with purpose. Eyes narrowed, he forewent any sense of personal space as he leaned forward. Noses almost touching, he gaze felt hot against your flushed skin. It wasn’t just his presence that was unsettling. It was the distinct fact that he _wasn’t_ digging around in your head yet. He was just there - intently watching in silence. 

“So, _this_ is the mercenary my General is so taken with.”

You immediately recoiled at the accusation. Smirking at your offense, Kylo tilted his head to the side as his gaze remained unrelenting. He continued, “Why would he deem you so _special_. Enough to risk _saving_? Who are you?”

A sudden realization surfaced - Kylo Ren didn’t recognize you. _”Of course he wouldn’t,”_ you mentally chastised yourself. You were a gangly little thing when he knew you. All limbs, and barely any torso. A combination of puberty and the intense physical nature of your profession had gifted you with an adult’s body. One that was much different from the skin and bones Kylo had tentatively explored years prior. 

He lifted a hand covered in black leather and gently placed it against your temple. Feeling the grit of leather against your skin, you knew what was coming. Closing your eyes and taking a deep breath, you mentally readied yourself. Give just enough to be a convincing prisoner, but not enough for him to know your true identity.

The sharp pricks began to seep into your skull as the familiar sensation of a mind probe began. Clutching the wall behind, your frame began to shake as pressure continued to build within your head. Suddenly, as if a dam burst forth, Kylo pulled memory after memory out from your mind. Childhood was muddled, but each vision became clearer as you aged. 

Your father’s murder. Hi-jacking your first ship. Faces of those you killed in cold blood. Nights spent alone, pining for the tenderness of sentiment. Finding solace in the body and company of a specific pilot-

“NO!” You cried into the room. Not those memories. _Not him._

Reacting on impulse, you shut the gates into your mind and pushed Kylo out with a single thrust. The man stumbled backwards in surprise as your mind became nothing but static to him. Lips curling back in agitation, he lunged towards your body. Hand on throat, he pushed you into the wall. Cold durasteel pressed against your back as his grip tightened around your neck.

“ _Who are you?”_ He gritted out, punctuating each syllable. 

White dots began to pepper your vision as your body went limp. You heard Hux’s stern voice from the distance just before darkness overcame. Kylo threw you one last disdainful look before unceremoniously tossing your unconscious body to the floor.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was ruminating about adulthood, and I can't imagine Kylo and the reader _not_ accumulating an immense amount of baggage between childhood and the present.


	3. For the Love of a Traitor

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Kylo gets a glimpse into your past, and he doesn't like what he sees.

Oddly enough, it was complete silence that woke you. You were more accustomed to noise. Whether it be the hum of your ship, or the sounds of city life, you always made sure to surround yourself with _something_. Quietness usually meant there was room for demons to make themselves present. It was why you hated meditation. Despite Master Luke’s insistence that the act would ease your suffering, you still forwent the _chore_. 

Ignoring a splitting headache, you rolled onto your side to sit up. Unsure of which part of the cycle you woke up in, you glanced around for any hints as to what was going on. It would seem that someone had thrown you into private quarters. Completely stark and untouched, it gave a cold and unwelcoming feeling. A small studio space: there was only a bed, desk, and closet in the square room. Two doors indicated that one was an exit, and the second would presumably open into a refresher. 

A series of beeps sounded from one of the doors as it slid back to reveal Hux at your entrance. He took one step into the space, and sighed - an act that increased in frequency whenever he was in your presence. In his typical clipped tone, he quickly rattled, “Uniforms are in the closet directly in front of the bed. The refresher is the door to the left of your closet. You’ll be expected to don First Order garments for the rest of your stay here...” 

Hesitating for a moment, he continued, “The Supreme Leader has taken a personal interest in your Force abilities, and believes that you can be trained. Until your loyalty can be proven though, you will remain in this room and escorted between training sessions.” 

Flopping backwards onto the bed, you dramatically threw an arm over your face in exasperation. This wasn’t going to end well for you. By all means, you were practically feral. Living life on a whim, doing as you pleased. As an individual who relished in taking odd jobs and planet hopping, organization wasn’t exactly your forte. This personality quirk would definitely spell trouble if you had to fall in line with a government titled the First _Order_.

A smile tugged at Hux’s lips as he watched you thrash in bed, just a hair away from a tantrum. He figured that this would be the closet he’d ever come to being a father. Looking up at the ceiling, you folded your arms across your chest and blew a piece of hair away from your face. He strode across the room and tentatively perched himself at the edge of the bed. Fingers laced together, he rested his elbows on his knees as he considered his next sentence. 

“Without the proper training, your talents are wasted. Perhaps it is time you ceased running, and did something more formidable with your gifts. You could be more than just a pawn doing the dirty work of others.” 

“As if that’s not exactly what I would be for the First Order.” 

Hux turned and gave you a sharp look. Almost as if rebuking you, he sharply responded, “Here, you have the opportunity to gain respect. If you prove yourself, you’ll secure power and influence. We are offering you freedom through discipline.” 

This was the part of Hux that you came to admire - his straightforwardness. While others thought his demeanor to be cold and calculative, you saw it as honesty. There was no guesswork with this man. What you saw was what you got. Living amongst the unscrupulous parts of society gave you a deep appreciation for his bluntness, and it served as a breath of fresh air. 

You were a weapon, and although he respected you, he treated you as such. Surprisingly, you found no offense to his attitude. Facts were facts, and he never sought to cheapen your profession by pretending you were something else. 

“ _Fine_ ,” you conceded. 

Nodding, he stood to exit the room. Turning back once more, he said, “Get changed. You’re expected at the training facilities within the hour.”

You tried your best to not feel like a child, but it was difficult when you were essentially being picked up and dropped off like some toddler at daycare. An anonymous Stormtrooper had tossed you into a circular room with little fanfare, and locked you inside to stew in indignation. Aside from the door, the rest of the room was covered in soft mats. You sniffed, thinking that the space seemed more _padded cell_ and less “training room”. 

Giving a little bounce on the springy mat, you rocked back and forth aimlessly while picking at your newest uniform. You wouldn’t be winning any beauty pageants, but at least the thick stretch leggings and tunic were comfortable. 

About to combat sheer boredom by performing somersaults, you were interrupted as the door opened. The air turned thick once again, as Kylo stepped through the threshold. Ebbing and flowing like waves, the Force churned in the air as he neared. 

“ _Why?_ ”

Face blank, you maintained silence to indicate confusion. He made his way over and placed his hand underneath your chin. Lifting upwards, he jerked your head so he could look down into your eyes. Teeth clenching, he seethed, “Why is the Force so chaotic when I’m in your presence? Ever since you came aboard this ship, it’s been growing stronger. Your signature is even more powerful than-“ 

Your let out an involuntary hiss and quickly swept an elbow up towards his forearm. Caught off guard, he dropped his grip as you ducked out from underneath. How _dare_ he compare you to that _girl_.

“You must learn to control your anger,” Kylo berated. Slowly circling the room, he glared at you like a predator stalking prey. Unable to fight an inmate desire to talk back, you jeered, “Maybe you should try using your words like a _big boy_. You can’t choke your problems away, _Kylo_.” You knew you were being annoying at this point. Especially with the way your voice dragged out the last syllable of his name. 

He smirked at your juvenile attitude and taunted, “Then why don’t we start by talking about _this_.” 

Reaching behind his cloak, he pulled out a silver lightsaber. _Your_ lightsaber. It was slight in size to match the smallness of your palms. Gilded with rose gold accents, it was the embodiment of elegance and femininity. Despite your roguish nature, some part of you had always felt the call to be _more_. That desire manifested itself as you meditated on putting together your weapon. 

With a flick of his wrist, the saber sang to life as a purple blade shot forth. The hilt hummed in Kylo’s hand, as if the crystal inside was displeased at being handled by the dark knight. 

You looked on with horror as the man manipulated the blade in his hand. After leaving the temple, you still desperately clung onto the idea of becoming a Jedi. That if you somehow built a saber, you could finish training without a Master. You took painstaking measures to source a crystal, and took on the dangerous task of building this weapon without guidance. 

The worst was that when the job was completed, you realized that nothing had changed. You were no Jedi. You were nothing. 

Snapping back to reality, you decided to lie. “I found the weapon while traveling. I have no idea who it belongs to.” 

The blade retreated with a hiss as Kylo attached it to his belt. Eyes narrowed, he stalked towards you once again. 

“You _lie_. Even now, the crystal _screams_ to be beckoned into your hand. But if you’re no Jedi, then what are you?”

Quickly throwing up mental shields, you cooly replied, “Nobody. I’m nobody.” 

Smirking at your defiance, Kylo decided to change the subject. It would take time, but one day he would break you at whatever the cost. Moving to the center of the room, he took at seat on the floor. Legs crossed, he placed his palms lightly on his knees. 

“Come. First, we must meditate. I sense your raw strength, but it is useless if undisciplined.” 

Reluctantly stomping towards the dark-haired man, you practically threw yourself onto the floor. Was your attitude the sparkling pinnacle of maturity? Not by a long shot. But you weren’t here to impress. 

Closing your eyes, you focused on your breathing as you began to go through the motions of meditation. Kylo peered at you in earnest interest - it seemed as if you had done this before. Pushing aside his curiosity, he focused on matching your heart rate.

It almost seemed as if you were watching life through a translucent shroud. Figures with muffled voices moved just beyond your reach. You bore down on a darkened figure trying to make its presence known, when a warm sensation suddenly took you by surprise. 

Kylo Ren had slipped his hands into yours. Palms flush against each other, it was as if lightning had cracked across a dark sky. Immediately, the once elusive visions came into clarity as each figure was pulled from the depths of your mind. 

Your mother. Crying over the slain body of your father.

A beautiful Chiss girl. You found camaraderie living together on the streets until she disappeared into the night. You had looked for weeks, but never saw her again.

Your first hit. A filthy Hutt who had been trading younglings on the black market. 

And then, clear as day, the handsome olive-skinned pilot. Your first love after losing Ben Solo. Every other figure dissipated as your heart focused on the man. Slowly, your mind began to draw out the last memory you shared with him. 

_”You could be more. We could be more.” Poe Dameron’s eyes were wide as he pleaded with you. General Organa had approached the man with a job offer - an offer to fight an insurmountable battle. Despite the meager odds, Poe had always been optimistic. Honorable. The type to do what’s right._

_And as the First Order gained momentum, Poe refused to stand by the sidelines._

_But you weren’t one to take sides. You were too wild. Too untamed. Your morality too ambiguous._

_”They could use a warrior like you. We would fight together.”_

_Your silence was the only answer he needed. By the next moonrise, his things were gone from your ship as he left for the Resistance._

The padded room gradually returned to focus as the vision of Dameron evaporated. Absentmindedly reaching for your face, you felt wetness at your cheeks. You had fought for years to push down the pain of abandonment, and now Kylo Ren was dredging up those horrible memories. 

Looking up, you noticed that Kylo had recoiled from your body looking aghast. He had seen your memories. He snarled in disgust, “Do you enjoy feeling the hands of _rebel scum_ on your body?”

Your tears freely fell as Kylo advanced upon you. Balling up the front of your shirt in his fist, he continued, “Do you enjoy the love of a _traitor_?”

Without missing a beat, you replied, “More than you could imagine.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Poor Hux. Feels like he needs to babysit not one, but two, people in the First Order.


	4. A Touch of Posession

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes you gotta lose to control to gain control.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> CW: There is a brief mention of spousal abuse and alcoholism at the end.

The day was just ending when Hux was rudely awakened by an annoying buzz from his door. Deciding that it must be a mistaken rookie Stormtrooper, he opted to ignore the intruding sound. After all, disturbing the General could be a _fatal_ error, and any emergencies would be sent through comlink first. 

Settling back in the plush sanctuary he called a bed, the man barely closed his eyes before being interrupted yet again. The buzzing soon turned into manual pounding, which then progressed to screaming. 

“ARMITAGE. I SWEAR TO GOD, YOU BETTER OPEN THIS FUCKING DOOR BEFORE...”

He mentally cursed you first, and then himself, before flinging the door open. You pushed your way into the room and stomped towards a bar cart he kept by the sitting area. Grabbing a crystal bottle of mysterious amber liquid, you pulled the stopper out and began to chug directly from the glass. He watched you in silence with a mixture of irritation and amusement. Finally having your fill, you roughly set the bottle down before collapsing onto his couch. 

“I know I promised to help you out, Armitage. But I didn’t agree to being harassed by your _Supreme Leader_ ", you spat. He almost choked as you applied liberal air quotes around the words “Supreme” and “Leader”. Finally coming to terms with the fact that you weren’t going to leave peacefully, he poured himself a generous helping of brandy before settling in across from you. 

Crossing an ankle over his knee, he took a sip before venturing, “I take that training didn’t go well today?” 

“Are you fucking kidding me? The man is neurotic at best. _And_ he doesn’t have any sense of personal space or privacy.” 

“Sounds like Ren. What happened?” 

You began to relay what had transpired during your meditation session. You hesitated sharing the vision of Poe, but figured you might as well anyways. It wasn’t like anyone could keep secrets from the First Order. Anything that could be remotely used as blackmail was tidily archived somewhere on the ship. Although you had never directly discussed your love life with Hux, you were sure that he had seen the dapper pilot in the background of your life in between jobs. 

At least Hux tried to feign surprise at the revelation of your second-degree ties to the Resistance; however, he was a better General than actor.

“Fuck off Hux, you don’t have to patronize me by acting like you don’t know Poe.” 

He quietly laughed and reached over to pour you a glass that mimicked his own. He listened to you complain about Kylo for a while before finally speaking his thoughts.

“It’s no secret that I’m not fond of the Supreme Leader’s lack of... _tact_. Even I can appreciate his prowess in the Force though. And you...when I mentioned that you were in need of training, that was putting it lightly.” 

He hesitated for a moment before softly continuing, “What had happened to your village...the casualties...do you know how hard it was for me to cover that up for you? The effort it took to ensure your record was clean...I can’t do that for you again. Especially not while Ren is aware of your presence.” 

A weighty silence fell over the room as you tilted your cup back and forth, watching the liquid slosh up the sides. Chewing on your bottom lip for a while, you turned to avoid Hux’s steely gaze. Your voice barely a whisper, you replied, “I...I know. I just...fuck. Hux, this is a lot more complicated than you know. Kylo...” You finished the rest of your glass in a big gulp. 

He gave you an understanding nod and patted the side of your knee. 

“It’s okay. I don’t need to know, nor do I _want_ to know. But I put a lot on the line to bring you here. Could you please at least just _try_.” 

You let out a shaky sigh and closed your eyes. Fine, you’d at least give it a go. And if it all went to shit, at least you could say you did your best. You gave Hux an affirmative answer, and he smiled. Refilling your glass and then his own, he changed the subject to something more pleasant and amiable. The night slowly got away from the both of you, and the last thing you remembered was Hux gently placing a blanket over your shoulder as you dozed on the couch, and the click of him closing the door to his own bedroom.

* * *

Kylo paced back and forth in the corridor feeling uneasy and overwhelmed. Sometime late in the night, your presence in the Force had become muddled and dimmed - a sharp contrast to it’s typical beacon of radiance. _It was none of his business_ he told himself, so he fretfully returned to sleep. But now it was morning, and he couldn’t ignore the change any longer. 

Stalking down the hallways of his ship, he faltered when he finally found your signature...inside of Hux’s quarters. It was well into the day now, and his General was sure to be on the bridge. So why were you still inside of his chambers? Waving ahead, the doors slid open and he stepped inside.

Palms clenched and teeth gnashing, Kylo stood in silence. Staring down at your unconscious body, he felt irrational anger threaten to bloom through his chest. You were _his_ apprentice. _His_ to train and guide. _His._ Yet, here you were the most peaceful he had seen you yet - inside the quarters of another man. 

Eyes bearing down your form, he felt a surge of anger pass through him as a small smile tugged on your sleeping face. What was the source of that happiness? Was it the pilot? Or perhaps _Hux_. About to intrude into your dreams to see for himself, Kylo suddenly drew himself backwards. 

_What was he doing?_

You were a stranger to him. Where did this sudden possessiveness come from? Breathing in through his mouth and then out his nose, Kylo attempted to steady his heart rate. The question of your identity continued to plague his mind as he slowly stepped away from the couch. Just a hair away from the door, you abruptly stirred from sleep. 

_Shit._

“What the fuck!” You screamed as your blurred vision slowly cleared to reveal a hulking Kylo standing at the door. Panicking, he curtly fumbled for an excuse. Face falling into its typical stoicalness, Kylo spat, “You’re late for combat training. I expect you at the facility within thirty minutes.” Whipping his cape around, he cursed under his breath before swiftly exiting the room. 

Standing with blankets tangled beneath your legs, you shook in confusion and shock.

You hadn’t been scheduled for training today.

Somehow between a hangover and cursing Kylo, you managed to stumble back to your quarters. You shoved one leg into your bottoms as a free hand worked to run a toothbrush over your teeth. Who did he think he was anyways? He really didn’t have a right to be irritated - what with him playing fast and loose with your schedule. As if you should just be waiting on a whim to do whatever he pleased! 

Finally pulling the second leg up, you fastened the button and tripped out into the hallway where a waiting Stormtrooper lead you to a new area of the ship. The First Order definitely didn’t mess around when it came to combat training, that much was for sure. Despite your earlier irritation, you still felt a sense of wonderment as you took in your surroundings. 

You were standing in the midst of a large room with a circular area set into the floor. You assumed that this area was for hand-to-hand combat as various melee weapons lined the wall surrounding the ring. Just to the left, floor to ceiling windows allowed you to peek into a gym with rows upon rows of the newest training machinery.

It wasn’t the environment that caught your attention the most though. 

Kylo had arrived early, completely stripped of his typical armor. Instead, he donned a black ribbed tank over a pair of figure-hugging workout bottoms. He was lazily stretching in the middle of the ring. You swore that if he spent any more time bent over, his top would rip right at the seams.

Apparently you weren’t the only one who experienced physical changes since leaving the Temple. 

Back turned towards you, he now had one arm above his head bent at the elbow. The other hand wrapped around his bicep as he pulled to get a deeper stretch. The motion allowed his top to lift just slightly - enough to tease you with a flash of milky white skin. Despite the narrow slit, you still managed to catch two small dimples right where his spine ended. 

_If he wasn’t such an insolent brat, I’d climb him like a fucking tree._

Kylo’s head suddenly whipped around. Paused mid-stretch he smirked as his eyes latched onto your own. Stalking towards you, he gracefully leapt over a rope surrounding the perimeter of the ring. Despite his large size, he landed delicately on the balls of his feet and strode up until his chest was almost pressed against yours. Peering down his nose at you, he sneered, “Projecting, _again_ I see.”

Your cheeks flushed in embarrassment. You pushed a shoulder against his chest so you could stomp away from him. Deciding that you wouldn’t honor his teasing with a response, you decided to skate over your embarrassment as you headed to the middle of the ring. 

“What’s on the menu for today?” You asked. 

Kylo was right on your heels as he popped over the rope once again. Circling your body, he replied, “How does a little duel sound? I’m interested in seeing these mysterious combat skills Hux is so impressed with.” 

You began to match his circling, taking mental notations of your opponent. He was quick, but not as fast as your tiny and lithe body. Scrutinizing his physical size, you made rough estimates on his reach and armspan. Immediately slamming up mental shields, you feinted towards the left. Kylo moved to lurch towards you, but you were too swift. The pair of you began to parry back and forth, either dodging or attacking. 

You were able to slide just out of his grip before swiping behind with your leg. Sweeping his ankles out from underneath him, you prepared to land a kick on his back. Kylo reached out and gripped your leg though. Flipping over, he slammed your body onto the mat. 

Sweat glistened against your bodies as your shirts became soaked in perspiration. As you continued to battle it out, frustration began to mount inside of you. No matter what you did and no matter where you went, he was there. Jabbing back and forth, you were so lost in chasing an impossible victory against Kylo Ren, that you didn’t even realize the stress expanding inside - ready to burst. 

He ducked a swinging arm and then increased the speed of his own flurried punches. He finally landed a hit against your chest when your internal tension suddenly burst. Blindness overcame your vision as you stumbled backwards, hands over face. 

One second. Two seconds. Three seconds. And then everything became very loud just before debilitating silence hit. 

_”Mother?”_

_Your voice was so small, but it was nothing compared to your mother’s modest frame. She was slumped on the floor, pressed against the rough walls of the bungalow you once called home as a child. A trail of blood wept from her forehead. Her cheeks looked even more sallow as purple bruises blushed across her face._

_You were a woman now, but seeing her in this state made you feel like a child. Rushing forward, you pulled the sobbing woman into your arms. Doing whatever you could to soothe her, you didn’t even hear the threatening pounds of your father’s footsteps entering the room._

_One hand on an empty liquor bottle, he slurred, “Get away from that bitch before I give you matching bruises."_

_You stood, arms trembling before you. And then nothing. The last thing you remembered was your mother clutching onto the hem of your skirt. Begging. Pleading..._

The training ring snapped back into focus. You were standing dead center of the room, eyes wide open in dismay. You swiveled your head around in confusion. The room was in shambles - weapons knocked onto the floor, and the windows had burst open throwing glass all over the floor. Kylo was on his back, an arm defensively pressed against his eyes.

Bringing a hand up to your face, you touched wetness near your nose. Pulling your hand back down, you silently gazed at fresh blood resting on the tips of your fingers. Kylo shakily stood with a face stricken between terror, amazement, and concern. Stepping around the carnage, he tentatively approached your trembling body. He brushed a wet strand of hair away from your cheek and spoke softly. 

“This is why you need my help. This is why you must train. You cannot allow your power in the Force get away from you whenever you’re faced with a stressful situation.” 

He hesitated for a moment, as if at odds with himself. Thickly swallowing, he slowly wrapped a single arm around your neck. Pulling you in towards his chest he murmured, “You must find balance.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I know that Hux is a lot nicer here than portrayed in the films. Maybe it's just exhausting for him to be a dick to _everyone_ all the time. And don't worry - there will be no shenanigans between the reader and Hux! They're 100% just friends :)
> 
> Also, we're getting there, I swear! Next chapter things will come to a head between the reader and Kylo. Ya can't keep secrets from him forever!


	5. Stupid Games and Stupid Prizes

You were exhausted. Fighting a hundred men in battle would be a welcome break from jumping through mental and physical hoops with Ren. While Kylo had his arms around your back, you almost felt at peace. As if you could imagine being an ordinary woman in the hands of her lover. Maybe if you closed your eyes tightly enough and wished upon a star, you could have the lover of your past.

But you’d never have Ben Solo again.

A moment passed, and then Kylo had roughly shoved you away from him. His faced hardened into steel as he donned the persona of Supreme Leader once again. You were left alone in the room as he swept away, slamming the door behind. You had just a second to clean your face before another Stormtrooper arrived to briskly dump you in a cafeteria. 

Looking around the small room, various officers milled about chatting around communal tables. You filled a tray with several edible goods before stopping at the end of the line. Scanning the room, your eyes settled upon a lone figure huddled in the back. It almost seemed as if he was trying to disappear into the table. The perfect victim to help you get off this damn ship.

Smirking to yourself, you hopped over and tossed your tray across from the man. He flinched backwards in surprise as you plopped your body down to face him. 

“You look nervous. Everything all right?” Teasing the poor dark-haired man, you slowly brought a spoon up to your lips. Taking time to dramatically run your tongue around it, you relished in his discomfort. Leaning forward, you rested both arms on the table and asked for his name. 

“Dop...Dopheld. Mitaka.”

His eyes flickered downwards towards your chest. _Gotcha, Mitaka._ You continued to make small talk with him, asking about his job and hobbies. As the conversation continued, you slowly applied layer after layer of influence through the Force. Gently building up your persuasive power over the man, you soon had him giggling at your jokes and feeling like a king. 

You subtly pushed your chest together, and the act did not go unnoticed by Mitaka. He unconsciously licked his lips, and you felt ready to pounce. Lacing your voice with innocence, you carefully ventured, “When is your next leave? I’d _love_ to go somewhere with you. A private and warm place, perhaps?” 

You coyly looked away in faux shyness as you tentatively reached out to hold his hand. Mitaka’s breath stuttered.

“I...can’t. We have strict orders to not fraternize with prisoners...even talking to you now...”

Lifting a hand, you playfully tugged at his uniform. Running a hand flat against his collar, you lowered your voice, “You haven’t lived until you’ve skinny dipped in the waters of Spira. Wouldn’t you like to do that with me?” 

Momentarily losing his ability to speak, Mitaka resorted to lamely nodding. He sputtered, “I...I could take you. We...could go...” 

Similar to a rubber band snapping, Mitaka jerked backwards as your control severed. Looking for the source of interference, you found Kylo’s gaze as he loomed from the entrance. Suddenly two strong hands gripped your forearms and jerked your body away from the table. Mitaka looked on in embarrassment as two Stormtroppers swiftly dragged you away from the cafeteria.

Arriving at your door, they punched in a code and threw you onto the ground inside. Laying face up on the floor, you stewed in silence. Wasn’t there some other Force sensitive being out there Kylo could annoy? Shouldn’t the man be ruling a galaxy? Surely irritating you wasn’t the best use of his time.

So lost in thought, you didn’t even hear Kylo enter your room until the tip of his black boot nudged your hip. 

“Get up,” he gruffly commanded. 

“No.” 

Kylo slammed a first into the wall behind him. Rolling away from the man you opted to play your favorite game - _I don’t hear you._

“Your immaturity wears on my patience.” 

My, my, my. Who would’ve thought that durasteel panels could be so interesting? Look! A cobweb! Is that a loose screw? Maybe they should get a technician in to-

You screeched as an invisible hand dragged you upwards by the neck. Kylo’s arm was outstretched as he maneuvered your body to rigidly face him before harshly dropping you on your feet. 

“ _You disgust me._ ” 

At this point you didn’t even care if you died. Laughing right in Kylo’s face you scoffed, “Join the club! I’m sure they’ll waive the membership fee for lifetime members.” 

He clenched his hands into knots and fought the urge to reach for his saber. Pulling right up to your body, teeth bared and lips curled, he seethed, “You posses immense power. Yet, you do _nothing_ with it. What you have is a _gift_ and you waste it on acts such as manipulating the emotions of a low ranking officer. Even the scavenger had a desire to hone her craft and do _more_.”

Blood boiling, you shoved the man away. 

“I didn’t ask to be born with the burden of your _precious gift_! Not all of us had privilege of being groomed from birth!” 

“You believe yourself to be above asking for help! With my training, you have the opportunity to truly become great! But your pride hinders your growth.” 

“I don’t need your pity. I just want to go back to being anonymous!” 

Growling in frustration, Kylo gripped your shoulders with both hands. The moment contact was made, a sudden surge of power left his body towards yours. His grip tightened as your eyes began to lose focus. Darkness circled your consciousness as your body became overwhelmed with Kylo’s energy.

_Eyes fluttering open, you were standing somewhere with expansive grassland. Wind softly rippled across the plain as your robe whipped in the air. Freshness buzzed about, but it wasn’t from the environment. It was from the youthful naiveté that you possessed._

_A tender hand slowly found its way into yours, as a soft voice whispered your name. Turning around, your eyes met the soft caramel ones of Ben Solo. He lived for these rare peaceful moments when he could steal you from the temple to explore the outlying territory._

_Gently nudging the side of your neck with his nose, he murmured, “You know that I’ll marry you someday, right?”_

_”Don’t be stupid Solo.”_

_”Trust me. I’m a man of my word.”_

_Laughing, you wrapped your arms around his neck. Despite his boyish face, his body was steadily gaining muscle and height with each passing week. Soon, you would have to rise up on your toes to reach his mouth._

_Quickly peppering a kiss against his supple lips, you teased, “You mean you’re a boy of your word.”_

_Wrapping you up in his arms, he tightly pulled you against his body. Giving your lip a quick nip, he grunted, “You’ll see! I don’t care what Luke says. I’m going to be a warrior.”_

_”And what a great warrior you’ll be.” With that, he began to explore your mouth with his tongue. Running it along the ridges of your teeth. As if he were still unfamiliar with the length of his limbs, he awkwardly palmed at your hips with his hands - first too high, then too low._

_That would be the first time you would make love. Your bodies hummed in unison as you took the time to explore one another. It was over too quickly as you broke away a sweating and panting mess, but it was perfection. The way that Ben Solo stared into your eyes as he came - you never thought that you would experience anything so pure again. Vulnerable, exhausted, and so much in love. ___

__Kylo released your shoulders, face stricken with betrayal and anger. The two of you stared at each other in silence for just a beat before exploding into a barrage of shouting._ _

__“You abandoned me when I needed you the most!”_ _

__“You murdered our friends! You took away everything that mattered to me!”_ _

__”You said you loved me.”_ _

__“You don’t know how to love.”_ _

__Tension crackled in the air as punishing looks were shared. Eyes stinging, you breathed, “I won’t be your second choice.” Kylo’s eyes pinched together as you slowly backed away from him. You were always running it seemed. Always turning your back to him. Before he could reach out, you stepped into the refresher and locked the door behind. Leaning your head against the cool metal, you held your breath until you heard the front door open and slam shut._ _

He flew down the hallway in anger. Hand outstretched, he grabbed the nearest officer by the collar. The poor unsuspecting man shivered as Kylo hissed, “Bring me all of the information you have on Poe Dameron _prior_ to his enrollment in the Resistance.” 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Uh-oh, reader and Kylo are definitely not going to be types to just let shit go. In the eloquent words of my best friend while she watches Bad Girl's Club, _fight, fight, fight!_


	6. A Mirror of Rage

He was a masochist. That was the only possible explanation. That’s why he would willingly chase a scavenger who would never want him. It was also why he was currently sitting idly in his office with photos strewn across his desk. Photos of his prior love with her previous lover. The fury in Kylo’s eyes sent fear into the very core of the poor officer he had grabbed in the hallway. Within two hours, there was a file of notations and photographs sitting neatly in the Supreme Leader’s office.

Poe Dameron was a young and dashing pilot. For every bit of Kylo’s brooding and melancholy, Poe made up for it with charm and charisma. _Of course she would choose him._ There you were, smiling in the cockpit of an unfamiliar craft, cradled in the pilot’s lap. There were memos as well - the pair of you had cohabited while he served in the New Republic Defense Fleet. Kylo flipped through a few more photographs before settling on one that made his heart clench. 

It was a simple portrait - hair tangled and eyes crinkled in genuine happiness. Your lips were split open in an enormous smile and your cheeks were rosy from joy. It looked as if someone had taken a candid photo of you mid-laugh. It didn’t take much for Kylo to guess who that _someone_ was. What stung the most was the fact that at one time, he was the recipient of that gaze. Now, another was privy to your beautiful visage. Sweeping everything onto the floor in anger, he pulled out his lightsaber and began to slash through the room. Rage, betrayal, and madness made for a terrible combination. 

Little did he know, you were mimicking his actions just on the other side of the ship as you tore your room apart. Anything you could get your hands on laid in shambles. _“Who are they kidding?”_ You laughed to yourself as you broke off a bar towels once hung from. The only reason you stayed in your bedroom was because you allowed yourself to be kept there. As if a panel and some lines of code could keep you inside. 

You broke through the door of your quarters, and swiftly made your way down the abandoned corridor. You were officially done with this little circus Hux had pulled you into. It was time to hop off this depressing ship, and fling yourself somewhere far and hidden in the galaxy. Stopping in your tracks, you threw your body flat against the wall. Peering around the corner, you noticed a pair of Stormtroopers making their rounds towards you. 

The footfalls grew in volume and then _whack_. You swung out with the metal bar and quickly swept the soldiers onto their backs. Two more calculated hits, and they were incapacitated. 

“Thank you gentlemen,” you purred as you snatched up their blasters and tucked one into your back pocket. Keeping the bar in your other hand, you continued to move towards the hanger. Sure, the blasters were effective, but there was something to be said for the act of more _manual_ forms of combat. 

You continued to stalk, leaving a trail of troopers in your wake. Soon, you were met with a sight to behold. The hanger was larger than any you’ve ever seen before. Rows upon rows of Tie Fighters were stacked together as various pilots and technicians scrambled underneath. The entire place was a hustle of activity, leaving you plenty of room to slip in and out unnoticed. 

Quietly moving in the shadows, your eyes settled on a lone ship by the entrance. It looked as if it had just recently been repaired and was waiting to be docked elsewhere. A single engineer finished taking notes, and turned to fetch a pilot to move the ship. Standing straight with purpose, you approached the ship with confidence. Just as you were halfway there, a small voice interrupted your focus. 

“Excuse me ma’am, are you a mechanic?” 

You turned face-to-face with an engineer decked in a black jumpsuit. Her face was fresh and freckled - too young to be tainted by the realities of war. Clearly she was still in that phase of her career where she actually _enjoyed_ what she did and felt an innate desire to follow rules. You cleared your throat and nodded. Reaching over to an abandoned cart, you pretended to fish around for something from a pile of tools. 

“Yes! I was just on my way to that ship over there. Can I help you?” You pointed towards the ship you had hoped to steal. The red-haired girl hesitated for a moment before replying, “But it was just cleared by another mechanic. And...why are you holding that stick?” 

Shit. You had forgotten that you were still carrying around a hunk of metal. Quickly rummaging around in your head for an explanation, you were interrupted as the young girl suddenly shrieked. You felt it first, before you saw it. Fiery heat right by the side of your neck. Whipping around, you turned to meet Kylo Ren as he held his ignited saber out by your head. 

His chest was heaving as if he had been sprinting. Sweat glistened on his forehead as his hand trembled. “Running again? You look fucking _feral_ waving that piece of metal around.” 

“Fuck you for judging me. Supreme Leader my ass! You wrote the book on running away from your problems!” 

“Easy for you the say. You’re the one who jumped into the arms of that rebel _filth_ to escape your own terrible personality.” 

“Better than hang around your immature, infuriating, _disgusting_...” 

Your sentence was interrupted by a furious Hux shouting your names. Completely oblivious to the crowd that had gathered, you were both screaming at one another with flushed cheeks. Kylo quickly retreated his blade and gripped your wrist to tug you down the hanger away from prying eyes.

Unable to keep up with his wide strides, you began to stumble behind the man. Noticing your lack of grace, he grunted and reached around your back. Gripping your waist, he quickly tossed you over his shoulder as he stomped towards a parked shuttle. 

This was going to end immediately. You would either stay by his side, or die a prisoner on this ship. Regardless of your choice, he would never allow you to slip from his grip. He had lost you once already, and he swore to never make that mistake again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I'm currently out of town for a wedding (yay!) in a hotel with unreliable wifi (boo!), but I'll do my best to update as soon as I can.
> 
> I also wanted to say a gigantic **thank you** to everyone who has given me kudos or left super sweet comments. I really can't say enough how much it means to me. Your support is really encouraging and gives me confidence to keep writing! Hope you all have a lovely weekend  <3


	7. Oil and Vinegar Makes A Delicious Sauce

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW ahead!

“Put me down! You are the worst! You are literally the worst! I hate you, I fucking-“ 

Kylo continued to ignore your shrieks as he climbed up the ramp to his command shuttle. Slamming a first into the wall, the telltale hiss of the entrance closing interrupted your rant. He threw you onto a nearby seat and shouted, “Would you just _shut up_ for a second?!”

You tossed your hair back and crossed your arms. Fine. If he wanted silence, then silence he would get. Kylo moved to sit directly across from you and ran a hand through his black locks. Sighing, he muttered, “Kriff, don’t be like this.” 

“Don’t be like what? _Myself?_ ”

His eyes looked pained as he searched your features. Your eyebrows were furrowed in resentment. Resentment at the fact that he had locked you inside of his ship. Resentment at the fact that you were being forced to join the Order. Resentment at your own hypocritical hurt that Kylo had moved on and desired another.

He sharply stood and yelled, “What do you want me to say? Do you want me to _apologize_? You’re the one who ran off without a single word. I just woke up one day, and you were gone! You threw me away after I gave you everything.” 

“You don’t have a right to judge me. You don’t know what happened. You think you know me, but you don’t have a single clue.” 

“ _Exactly._ Everything is always such a fucking mystery with you. You’re too selfish to love anyone but yourself.” 

You bellowed out in laughter as you launched yourself from the seat and squared right up to the man. A finger pressed in his taut chest as you taunted, “Selfish?! If there was ever a shining example of single-child syndrome, it would be _you!_ ”

“You’re always running your fucking mouth. Am I supposed to ignore the fact that you’re only here because _you tried to kill me?_ ”

“Yeah? Well I’m _so sorry_ that I can’t be your precious fucking holier-than-thou perfect _scavenger_. She’s a bit _young_ for you, wouldn’t you say _Ben?_ But I guess you need her naiveté, since any adult woman with half a pea for a brain would never put up with your _bullshit_.”

That did it. You always knew how to push his buttons. 

He snarled and lurched forward. Pressing his forearm underneath your chin, the man pushed your neck against the harsh leather seat you sat upon. Digging deeper, he barked, “Says the _whore_ screwing a Resistance pilot who didn’t even want you. Even someone as optimistic as Poe fucking Dameron couldn’t look past your shitty attitude.”

Your hands shot up to pull at Kylo’s arm as he continued to press his body against yours. You could feel heat radiating from the scowling man as he continued, “Was it worth it? I guess I wasn’t good enough for you. You had to go screw around the galaxy, fucking the first moving...”

Screaming into his face, you interrupted Kylo before he could finish. 

_”I KILLED MY FATHER.”_

He stumbled backwards as if your body had turned into a hot coal. Raising a hand to his mouth, his eyes were overwhelmed with surprise and guilt. You drew your knees up to your chest and openly sobbed. Breath stuttering, you cried, “I received a Force vision one night. My father had started drinking again. Every time he picked up that damn bottle, my mother...she’d...that’s why I left. I couldn’t let him do...that...anymore...”

Salty tears spilled down your face as you thought about that night. Rage like you had never experienced before. But it didn’t stop with your father. You were inconsolable and uncontrollable. The first time you ever took a life didn’t just start and end with him. You had gone on a rampage, utterly decimating your village in a fit of madness and furor. Your mother had clutched onto your father’s body in horror as she watched her only daughter transform into a monster.

You never saw her again after that night. 

Kylo sank to his knees and gently reached out for your hands. How was he to have known? While you were spiraling out of control, he was nowhere to be found. When he selfishly threw himself into training with Snoke, he had subsequently cut himself off from his past - yourself included. It was his own damn fault that he didn’t know you were alive. While he was off being the poster boy of darkness, you were lost in your own conflict. 

You were too young to have committed such an atrocity. Too young to wander the galaxy with the weight of the world on your shoulders and a pain nobody deserved to suffer. 

Kylo tentatively pulled you to his chest, and you allowed the man to run his hands along your back. Sobs now quieted down to a sniffle, you pressed your face against his heaving form. Closing your eyes, you allowed him to project feelings of sympathy and calm over your body as you slowly relaxed. He pressed his lips against your ear and whispered, “ _I’m sorry._ ”

Being this close to you was...finally having you in his arms...knowing that you were real...

Kylo instinctively tightened his grip around your body. He squeezed as if you would disappear if he were to relent even an inch. Pulling his head back slightly, he gazed into your doe like eyes. It was the one part of your face he had always loved the most. No matter how hardened you became, no matter how difficult your life, no matter what conspired - your eyes always had a sense of softness and compassion to them. Even in his youth as he struggled with his his own internal battle, you’d only have to give him one look and he’d feel human all over again. 

You let out a soft wheeze and buried your face back into the crook between his neck and shoulder. Closing your eyes, you finally, _finally_ , allowed yourself to feel vulnerable.

* * *

Darkness. Your body slid against smooth fabric as you stretched your legs. That’s odd - you didn’t sleep on silk. You turned onto your side, only to have your nose meet a tangled mess of hair. Furrowing your brows, you tentatively reached out into the darkness. Your hands blindly explored the space in front of you as warm skin met the pads of your fingers.

“Lights at twenty percent.” 

Kylo’s hoarse voice called out as the room was suddenly swathed in a gentle light. You sat up in alarm when you realized that you were in a bed. _His bed._ Scrambling away, you almost tumbled off the mattress when Kylo forcefully grabbed your wrist in his hand. Sitting up himself, he gently pulled you back to his side. Staring at each other, you sat in silence as Kylo ran a palm along your cheek. 

He sighed, “Nothing happened. You were overwhelmed after our argument and fell asleep on my shuttle. Seeing that your quarters had been _mysteriously decimated_ , I brought you back here to rest.” 

Still, even now, the bastard loved to tease you.

You were both sitting upright, legs crossed underneath and facing one another. You wanted so desperately to close the gap between your bodies. To be _close_ to the man you once loved. But you stood by your original sentiment - you would be nobody’s second choice.

He sniffed sharply as you accidentally projected the last sentiment. Sitting up onto his knees, he slowly prowled forward to bring his face closer to yours. Kneeling so he was eye level to your trembling body, he tentatively lifted a hand to lay his palm flush against your cheek. 

“Look at me. _Look at me._ ” He softly commanded. Lifting your chin so his eyes met yours he whispered, “You are foolish to think that I would have chosen _her_ had known you were alive. You are my light, and I would sooner go blind before I turn away from you.” 

You shook your head and pushed his palm away from your face. You gently whispered, “I...I can’t. There’s too much history. Too much pain and baggage. I can’t love you as Ben Solo.” His eyes met yours, almost begging. His voice was barely a tremor as he pleaded, “Then _don’t._ Love me as Kylo Ren.” 

Your lashes fluttered as you looked up at him. Yes, he was Kylo Ren. But those eyes. _Those eyes._ They were one hundred precent Ben Solo. 

He leaned forward and brought his hand back up to your face. Cupping both cheeks, he tilted your head to bring his lips against yours. You sighed into his mouth as the sensation felt simultaneously familiar and foreign. Where Ben Solo had awkwardly fumbled with your body during youth, Kylo Ren now deftly maneuvered you like the man he had blossomed into. 

He lifted up onto his knees and climbed up your torso. One hand flat against your stomach, he gently pushed you down against the bed. Still kissing you, he ran a large palm underneath your shirt and up your stomach. Resting underneath your breast for a moment, he quickly ran a finger around your sensitive nipple before retreating his hand. You slowly arched your back as he dragged the hem of your shirt up your chest and over your head.

You hummed at his touch, and decided to do some exploring of your own. You played with the waistband of his drawstring pants before sliding a hand along his length. He was already hardening at your soft touches as you felt his member twitch through the fabric. Nipping at your lip, he gripped the edge of your sleep shorts and underwear with one hand. Rolling both down your leg, he gave one last tug before you were completely bare underneath the man. 

His hand drifted downloads and reached their desired destination. Rolling your clit between his fingers, he lazily rubbed you in circles. Bringing his mouth down to your neck, he began to suckle spots all along your clavicle as your wetness pooled between your legs. He growled into your chest just before slipping a finger between your soft folds. 

Slowly working you open, he inserted another digit as nibbled on your breasts. As he pulled a nipple between his teeth, you practically purred. He pulled out and sat back on his heels with a smirk on his face. You were sprawled out on his bed, a wanton mess just at the touch of his hands. You whimpered, “Kylo, I need _more._ ” It had been years since you had felt his hot touch. There was a time and place to take your time as you delved into one another. _To make love_. But today was not the day. 

Your knees fell open as you threw him a sultry look. He hesitated for a moment, and you read the apprehension in his face. You nodded towards a small scar where your birth control implant was. Ready to get a move on, your hand traveled south as you began to play with your clit. Kylo growled. That wouldn’t do. 

He forcibly shoved your hand away and ignored your whine. Palming his hard dick, he leaned forward and lined himself up with your warm entrance. Eyes closed, he began to push his way inside of you. Your breath caught in your throat as you choked at his size. _Force, had he always been this big?_ He finally bottomed out and groaned at how tight you were. 

You both lay there for a moment, adjusting to one another. Kylo was having a hard time finding the right words. He was both relieved and anxious to have you in his arms. Relieved that you had finally ceased running away, and anxious that any wrong move on his part would send you skittering away. He opted to relish in your body in gentle quietness. He’d rather remain silent, than run the risk of saying the wrong thing. Of pushing you away. 

Unaware of Kylo’s internal dialogue, you gave your hips an experimental wiggle. It was as if the movement caused something to snap inside of Kylo. He pushed up with one hand by your head, and the other tightly clutching your hip, he began to move his hips back and forth. He picked up in speed as the man frantically fucked you into his mattress. No words were necessary as his breathy grunts filled the silence.

You moaned at the feeling of being completely split open. Your body like a rag doll being used as the man above fucked into your wet cunt. The sound of skin against skin and wet fluids slapping drove you absolutely wild. Kylo bore down on you, teeth breaking skin against your shoulder as you welcomed him to have his way. 

“Ky...Kylo! _Please!_ ” 

His cock twitched at your begging, so close to being spent. How he loved having you a mess wrapped around his dick. His hand dropped from your hip and began to quickly rub at your sensitive nub. Faster and faster his touch built in speed when suddenly you careened away from reality. 

A sound left your lips. Somewhere between a cry and a moan, you felt your body tense when suddenly the sweet walls of your cunt began to flutter. Your orgasm washed over your body as your hands fisted at the sheets beside you. Kylo bellowed as he quickly pulled out of your warmth. Pushing your arching back flat against his bed, he hurriedly pulled you lower underneath him. Kneeling on one knee with his other foot flat by your hip, he began to tug at his cock. 

He gave himself a few frenzied pumps before jets of hot cum splashed against your chest. Rope after rope of the milky liquid landed against your body as he threw his head back in ecstasy. Finally spent, he collapsed on the bed next to you panting. Reaching over to his nightstand, he fumbled around for some tissues before rolling back over to help you clean up. 

Gingerly wiping down your chest, he peppered soft kisses along your body as he tidied you up. Finally pleased that you were clean enough, he tossed the napkins away and moved to pull you flush against his bare body. 

Your back to his chest, you hummed in contentment as he wrapped you up in his thick arms. He ran his nose up and down along your neck as he inhaled your scent. Blissfuly, the both of you slowly drifted off to sleep once again.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew, they finally did it! Our couple still has quite a journey ahead of them, but at least they're getting there. You can't exactly fix years of baggage overnight, but at least they're trying.
> 
> Also, I just realized that half of this chapter was smut x) Sorry, not sorry.


	8. An Amuse-Bouche

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Come on Kylo, let the poor gal have friends.

Apparently Kylo Ren was a massive cuddler. Since most of your youthful romps were secretive or done outside of the Temple, you had never developed any post-coital habits with the man. Thus, you found yourself completely surprised and taken aback to wake up in a furnace. The massive warrior had buried his face into your neck, arms tightly wound around your middle, and a single leg thrown over your hip. 

You slowly shifted from side-to-side in an attempt to wiggle your way out, but he was having none of it. Pulling you closer to his chest, he sleepily groaned, “Keep that up and you won’t be leaving my bed till noon.” Rolling over to face Kylo you teased, “Don’t you have some Supreme Leader-ing to do, or whatever?” 

He rolled his eyes and scoffed, “Don’t remind me. Hux has been pestering me about releasing more propaganda videos. Sometimes I wish that I didn’t destroy my damn helmet. Could’ve had some poor sap stand in for me.” 

Swinging a thigh over Kylo, you sat up to straddle him. He was beautiful in this state - completely relaxed and even a little playful. Shyly running a finger along the ridges of his scar you whispered, “I think I prefer you without the helmet.” He closed his eyes and sighed in contentment as you peppered chaste kisses along the mark. Finally satisfied that you had covered enough of his face, you slid off to head to the bathroom. 

The man made a move to join you, but you swatted him away. “No way, Kylo. I know _exactly_ what’ll happen, and I’d prefer to get my day started eventually.” You yelped as he feinted a lunge towards you, and quickly scurried to the refresher. Once the water was warm, you slid into the shower and sighed as you rested a forehead against the cool tiles. 

What were you doing? 

Kylo still had feelings for you, and they were unquestionably reciprocated. But you guys couldn’t fuck your problems away. Underneath your reunion, there were layers and layers of messy history and sentiment involved. Relationships implode from much less, but they did also survive far worse, right? Why did you have to fall in love with a Skywalker? As much as you loved Kylo, that family had a _terrible_ track record when it came to relationships. 

Finishing your routine, you wandered back through Kylo’s bedroom to find that the man was no longer in bed. Instead, a folded shirt and pants neatly sat at the end with undergarments by the side. The man had called for spare clothing while you were washing. 

A smile tugging at your lips, you mused about his thoughtfulness. _This_ was the man that you had come to love. Tugging on the garments, you exited the bedroom and into a narrow hallway. Ignoring a closed door to your front, you turned right down a hallway that opened into a wider room that was split into two - a sitting area to the right, and an open kitchen to the left. 

Kylo was already seated at the counter with his back towards you. Hair pulled back and knotted at the top, he looked deliciously casual as he leaned on his elbow while flicking through some documents on his datapad. Your eyes trailed down his bare torso, and rested at the sweats slung low on his hips. 

“When you’re done objectifying me, I ordered breakfast for us.” 

Cheeks red, you coughed and quickly made your way towards him. Climbing atop a barstool next to him, you laughed, “I thought I was being subtle.” 

“Not when you project so loudly.” 

Sighing, you reached over his arms and grabbed a piece of toasted bread. Plucking off the tip with your teeth, you grumbled, “I don’t think projection is the issue anymore.” 

Kylo paused his reading and slowly lowered the device in his hands to the table. He curiously eyed your scrunched face and ventured, “Is the alternative really that terrible?” Thickly swallowing the bread, you thought about your answer. 

“Kriff, I don’t know. My life is such a fucking mess right now. I’m technically still a prisoner of the First Order, apparently I’m a danger to society, _and_ I just got back together with my ex. A Force bond it the last thing I should be thinking about.”

Kylo leaned over to wrap an arm around your waist and wiggled his eyebrows at you. He playfully quipped, “All I heard was that we’re back together again.” 

“I hate you. I seriously hate you.” You grabbed another piece of bread. Holding it in your mouth, you shoved away from the counter and out of Kylo’s arm. He turned his head to follow you with his eyes as you headed to the door. The brush of his fingertips stopped you as he wrapped a hand around your wrist. 

He paused for a moment, something hanging on the precipice of his tongue. His eyes were soft as his lips moved as if forming words. But he didn’t say anything. He never did. At least not when it counted. You guessed that old habits died hard. 

Slowly tugging your wrist out of his grip, you returned his gaze with silence of your own. The Force surrounding you was less chaotic now, but it had yet to settle. You gave Kylo a soft half-smile before exiting his quarters.

* * *

“Are you seriously wearing a greatcoat? We’re inside of a climate controlled room.” 

“I have an _image_ to uphold.”

You were seated across from Hux inside of his office. A long glass table separated the two of you, but that didn’t stop you from leaning across the space to gently flick the tip of his nose with your finger. He flinched at the touch as you laughed, “If you’re so concerned with your image, I’d start with these ridiculous sideburns.” 

The man leaned back and gave an exasperated groan. His brows furrowed in annoyance as a hand instinctively shot up to touch the offending hairs. He scoffed, “Why is it so difficult for you to be serious? I didn’t call you here to talk about my facial grooming!” 

Relenting, you slid back into your seat and neatly crossed your ankles. Alright, maybe you could be a _little_ annoying at times. Hux huffed as he began to fiddle with the datapad in front of him. It was the only thing on the desk. In fact, there was literally nothing else in the room save for the furniture and a datapad. 

A shiver ran down your spine. Sometimes you forgot how _efficient_ the man was, and it made you feel awkward. Ever so slowly, you straightened your spine to nonchalantly peer over the edge into Hux’s hands. Without looking up he muttered, “Really?”

You drooped down in the leather chair from embarrassment. Hux rolled his eyes and looked back up before continuing, “The Resistance. They’re growing desperate. What’s something you’ve learned about _desperation_ from your travels?” 

“It forces your hand. People often end up making rash decisions that result in catastrophic endings.” 

“Exactly. A few key players have begun moving. It seems as if members of the Resistance are reaching out to...third parties...in an attempt to lick their wounds and regroup. Judging by the types of people they’re recruiting, it seems as if some members are shucking off their moral superiority in order to gain traction.”

Your face twisted in concern. That didn’t sound like the Resistance. A tiny voice in the back of your head whispered that _it didn’t sound like Poe_. Hux keenly observed your face as you grappled with a response. What did any of this have to do with your training? As if reading your mind, the red-haired man continued speaking. 

“We intercepted a transmission. There’s an organization in search of _something_ , we are unsure of what specifically. To be frank, we have yet to know if they’re affiliated with the Resistance, but we noticed some of their members becoming more aggressive and active. We’re in need of a talented individual to do some groundwork for us. Someone who can get in and out undetected.” 

“Armitage, are you buttering me up to poke around some dangerous men?”

Hux slammed a palm flat against his desk and shouted, “Dammit. There you go again! I’m being serious! I need to know if you’re ready to take on a mission for me.” 

You rolled your eyes at his outburst. As if the man could _scare_ you with a little bit of fist pounding and shouting. Pulling a foot up to rest flat against the bottom of your seat, you rested your head on your knee and asked, “Why me though? I thought you guys were still ‘figuring out my loyalty’ or whatever bullshit excuse you came up with to keep me locked onboard.”

“This mission is time-sensitive, and we can’t send one of their own. They’ll see us coming from a mile away. But you...”

Running a hand up and down your calf you murmured, “Have you forgotten that I used to date their superstar pilot?” 

“Even then, he won’t assume that you’re affiliated with the Order. I need to know. Can you take on field work? Can I trust you?”

Here it was again. Hux asking, but not really _asking_. Shrugging, you figured that it would at least be a chance for you to get off base. To breathe in some fresh air and stretch your legs a bit. Besides, being cooped up wouldn’t be good for your skills. You thrived off the thrill of action, and the only way to stay sharp was through practice.

“Fine. But only if you promise to shave off those ridiculous sideburns. _And_ you can’t drag me off to one of your stupid meetings.”

* * *

A droid ended up bringing lunch to Hux’s office as your meeting progressed longer than anticipated. He filled you in on as much as he could, but you wouldn’t get the complete picture until a briefing scheduled for the next day. Although he was a busy man, he still enjoyed your company, and the pair of you caught up some more before you said your goodbyes.

You exited with a yelp as a very tall, very tasty, and very agitated Kylo Ren stood fuming in your direction. He was leaning against the wall with his arms tightly folded across his chest. Although his cape hung over his hands, you could see the rise of fabric indicating that his hands were undoubtedly clenched. 

“ _Hanging out_ with Hux again?” 

You rolled your eyes at the man. Strolling down the hallway, you called over your shoulder, “I’m allowed to have friends, Kylo. Just because we fucked once doesn’t mean you have a say over what I do in my free time.”

He practically flew to your side. The man picked you up by the waist and slung you over his shoulder with an incredulous, “ _Once?_ ”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't be the only one who finds Hux's sideburns _kinda_ funny, right?


	9. You Don't Own Me

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> It's time to release some tension.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NSFW ahead!

While you wouldn’t necessarily consider yourself an anxious individual, you certainly weren’t comfortable right now. Despite your attempts to bargain with the General, not only had his sideburns remained, but he had cornered you somewhere between Kylo’s quarters and the gym. Next thing you knew, you were shoved between two stuffy officers as Hux aggressively paced back and forth a meeting room.

Hux stood at the head of the table. Efficient as ever, the man had forewent pleasantries and was now gesturing to a map. This was a highly dangerous critical mission that could turn the tide of war. It was risky, necessary, and involved sensitive information. People could _die_.

You were counting the wrinkles on your palm.

Just as you were about to topple over in boredom, a familiar name jolted you out of your stupor. Something, something, X-wing spotted. Something, something, _Poe Dameron_. 

The moment that name left Hux’s mouth, every light in the room simultaneously burst. The sounds of collective gasps joined small shards of glass as they rained down upon the room. Despite the general surprise and alarm in the room, three individuals were distinctly unfazed - Armitage, Kylo, and yourself. 

“Would everybody please calm down?” An exasperated Hux scolded as the sound of a chair being knocked over sounded in the darkness. Although the room was filled with inky blackness, you could almost hear his eyes rolling backwards. He slammed his palms down on the table and sighed, “Everybody out. We’ll resume this meeting tomorrow. Check your datapads for an update.” 

Emergency lights flickered on just in time for the room to slowly clear out. You cheerfully pushed your chair backwards, when a strong hand gripped the back of the seat. Hux gave it a sharp shove, and pushed you forward towards the desk. Without even turning his head, he sternly added, “And where do you think you’re going, Ren?”

The knight suddenly found the glass shards _very_ interesting as he pushed them around the floor with the Force. Hux gave him a pointed stare, and upon realizing that Kylo had no intention of speaking, chastised, “I don’t know what it is about Poe Dameron that is more irritating than usual, but you can’t lose your temper like this! We have a galaxy to control. Or have you forgotten that you’re now the Supreme Leader?” 

A few pieces of glass began to slowly levitate, and you rolled your eyes at Kylo’s immaturity. They suddenly clattered to the floor as Kylo responded, “I don’t like _her_ going on the mission. We have other capable agents.” He jabbed a finger in your direction and huffed.

“I’m sorry, were you not at the same meeting as I? She’s the only qualified and namely _unaffiliated_ individual who can infiltrate...” 

Hux’s typically pinkish complexion suddenly deepened in incredulous anger. 

“ _Are you sleeping together?”_

Hm, maybe Kylo had a point. Those little bits of glass _are_ interesting. You and Kylo both consciously avoided eye contact as Hux began to huff, “Seriously? Ren, you can’t go around trying to fuck every new female who steps foot on our ship.”

If you didn’t hate the idea of Kylo trying to bed another woman so much, you probably would have laughed. You also didn’t realize that one could angrily drum their fingers, but apparently Hux had the talent. He seethed, “We all have roles to play here, and there isn’t room for personal biases. You wouldn’t be expected to avoid a mission because the scavenger was there, right?”

You piped up, “Well actually, I’d prefer...”

“ _I’m not talking to you right now. I’ll deal with you later._ ”

Properly scolded, you slinked down lower into your seat and gave the General a pout. Sheesh, once you got him started on a lecture, he could be downright scary. Hux rounded on the taller man and seethed, “She _will_ go on this mission. You _will_ support her as necessary.”

“Kylo. Please don’t choke my friends,” you warned as you watched the knight’s fingers twitch towards the red-headed man. Sighing, you stood and walked over to slip your smaller hand into Kylo’s. Nodding towards Hux, you addressed him. 

“I’ll talk to Kylo. Just give me some time.”

Before either could protest, you tugged him out the door and back towards his quarters. The walk back was done in complete silence. Kylo’s agitation rolled off of him in waves as he stomped down the hall. He practically threw you into the room before pacing back and forth in the sitting area. His fingers were threaded through his hair as he gripped at his scalp in frustration.

You knew this song and dance well. If he was anything like his turbulent youthful self, he would start smashing valuable (and often irreplaceable) things soon. The taciturn man was definitely the type to show, rather than tell. Couple that volatile nature with a penchant for violence and, well, you got Kylo Ren. 

He reached for the saber at his belt, and slowly unclipped the weapon. Bracing yourself for the inevitable destruction, you were taken aback when he suddenly threw it on the coffee table. Quick as a flash, the man lunged forward so his chest was pressed against your own. Flush against the door, Kylo tightly gripped your chin in his hand and gave you a punishing kiss. More teeth than tongue, it was as if he was attempting to consume you. As if he were accusing you.

You whimpered against his chest as he pressed his full weight onto you. Harshly pulling at your bottom lip with his teeth, he practically growled into your mouth, “I don’t want Poe fucking Dameron _anywhere_ near you.” It was suffocating. The heat, the desire, the _ownership_ Kylo was claiming over you. You were never one to be had, but you had never been wanted. Not in the way that Kylo was currently fumbling with his words and hands.

Slowly, uncontrollable tears began to fall from you face. Like a gentle stream, they were silent but present. You pushed the man away and quietly whispered, “That’s not fair, Kylo. I know I left first, but you never came for me. You never reached out to find out why. In the beginning before our connection was severed, I know you felt my pain and yet...”

Kylo’s brows furrowed as he searched your features in fear. You continued, “I don’t know. This is so right and so wrong. But we can’t just pick up where we left off as if nothing happened. We were both devastated and broken. You can’t just sweep back into my life...”

“Why not?” 

Your head tilted upwards as you considered Kylo’s words. This was so like him - impulsive, irrational, and much too optimistic. Despite his moody demeanor, he was always so damn hopeful. Always putting his trust in anyone by himself. No, you wouldn’t let him down a second time. You couldn’t do this to him...or yourself. 

“No, no, no...” Kylo whispered as he rushed up and placed his palms flat against your tear stained face. He slowly pressed kisses along the wetness, as if he were trying to drink up your sorrow. Laying a cheek against your temple he murmured, “It’s not like that. We’re not children anymore. It was always you. It’s always been you.”

He pulled back and pressed a deep kiss against your dry lips and hummed, “Why won’t you give this a chance?” 

“The stakes are higher now Kylo. You’re the fucking _Supreme Leader_ , and I’m...whatever the hell it is that I am. What do you expect to happen? We can’t just go around pretending to be boyfriend and girlfriend. We’re not teenagers anymore.” 

He continued to pursue a relentless crusade against your lips with his own. Moving down to mouth at your neck, he responded, “Then don’t be my _girlfriend_. You know you’re more than that. You could be my _queen_.” 

Your breath hitched as the word left Kylo’s mouth. A queen. Part of you wanted to laugh. You were the daughter to an alcoholic, and a murderer by trade. You were fit to be nobody’s queen. 

But another part of you wished. Oh, you wished. It was that nugget of a dream inside of you to be greater than the cards you were dealt with in life. Sensing the tide turning in his favor, Kylo began to pepper kisses up the slim column of your throat. Pausing near your ear, he whispered words of adoration and affirmation as his fingers danced along your narrow hips. 

Leaning your head back against the door you sighed, “I’m still going on that mission though, Kylo. I need my autonomy. I need to feel useful.” 

You yelped as Kylo suddenly flinched and his fingers dug deeper into your hips. His grip was like a vice upon your soft flesh, and you could feel the slightest tremble. 

“Any mission but this. Anyone but _him_.”

You brought a hand up to his face, and slowly brushed his curled ebony locks away from his eyes. He leaned his cheek into your palm and closed his eyes as you spoke. 

“Kylo. I can’t change who I loved. If your goal is to keep me from ever seeing him on the field, then I’ll never leave this goddamn ship.” 

He practically threw himself on you and his long arms entwined around your body, pulling you into a suffocating embrace. He growled out, “Good.”

Laughing into his chest, you nosed the hard planes of his torso and replied, “But I’m already yours. I’ve always been yours.” 

You could feel Kylo placated and affirmed in your feelings for one another. Yet, the turbulent emotions from the mission briefing were still swimming in the air surrounding your bodies - jealousy, betrayal, and anger. Kylo needed an outlet, and you knew that if he wasn’t going for the saber, he’d find another physical manifestation to combat his emotions. And maybe, just maybe, you needed it as much as he did.

Kylo’s eyes darkened when he suddenly flipped you around. Chest against his back, he brought a large hard up to your throat and gave you a tentative squeeze. His voice lowered as he accused, “You say that you’re mine, but how do I know that you won’t run off again?” His hand snaked lower as he simultaneously grabbed a handful of your ass while pushing your towards the bedroom.

You both stumbled into the darkened room when you felt a firm push at your back. Falling forward, your hands braced the impact as you landed on your hands and knees. Turning to look behind you, you were met with the sharp sting of Kylo’s hand against your bottom. 

“No. You don’t get to look when I take what’s mine.” 

You pulled a lip between your teeth as you heard rustling behind you. First, the sound of metal clicking as he removed his belt. And then the soft swish of Kylo pulling his robes away. Slowly, he ran a palm flat from the top of your spine down your back before resting at your hips. Hooking a finger along your waistband, he rolled the bottoms downwards. Shifting your knees so he could pull the pants off, you almost choked as Kylo whispered, “Good. Good girl. Sit up.”

You leaned back onto your heels, and felt Kylo tug on your shirt. Up an over your head it went, and then just as quickly, your bra was unclipped and tossed onto the floor. He gently placed a hand on your head, and pushed you back down into the sheets. His warm torso lay flat against your back as he reached around and began to press the heel of his palm against your clit. It was pure torture - slow enough to elicit pleasure, but not enough to bring you over the edge. 

Whimpering into the sheets, you pressed backwards against Kylo in an attempt to force more pressure. Withdrawing his hand, the man brought it down against your ass. Kylo immediately smoothed a hand over your red cheek as he soothed, “Shhh. Be a good girl and I’ll make you feel so, so, good.” 

_Yes, yes, yes. I’ll be your good girl._

Kylo more or less snarled when he felt your sentiment through the Force bond you had created. He immediately groaned, “Stay put.” You felt Kylo run a hand along your bottom as he pulled your cheeks apart. The tip of his nose edged along your skin before feeling his warm breath against your most sensitive area. 

His tongue snaked out and gave you a long and languid swipe when an uncontrollable moan escaped your lips. It was all the encouragement Kylo needed before he began his assault. Over and over again he ravaged you like your cunt was the last meal he’d ever have. Soon, a thick finger began to make its way inside your soft folds. Ignoring your quivering thighs, he continued his ministrations as he brought you closer and closer to the edge. 

Kylo continued to pump his fingers as your hands gripped the sheets surrounding your body. You whimpered a string of expletives while Kylo buried his face into your womanhood. Finally. _Finally_. You came with a gush and a scream as your arms gave out and you fell forward in bed. You heard Kylo rub the back of his hand against his mouth before he slowly mounted you from behind. 

“So good. _So sweet_. But now it’s my turn. Right, princess?” 

He hooked an arm around your waist and hoisted you upwards once again. As if your limp body was weightless, the hulking man positioned you on the sheets to his liking. Ass up and back arched, your hands were placed on the headboard in front of you.

“That’s right. Hold on tight princess. You got yours, and now I’m getting mine. Just the way I want.” 

Without missing a beat, the man was fully seated inside of you. Kylo’s hands tightened at your hips as he curled forward. No, he would never get used to the feeling of your warmth. He would never get enough of your wetness enveloping his member as he pushed his way inside of you.

He began a punishing pace as the man thrust into your willing body. His hips snapped against the pillows of your ass as he began a relentless crusade against your cunt. Over and over again he dove in as the sound of his grunts echoed in the room. A hand left your hip as he hooked his elbow around your neck. Tugging upwards he brought your head towards his lips as he hissed, “You’re fucking _mine_. And I will fuck this tight cunt every day and every night until my name is the only name that falls out of that filthy mouth of yours.” 

Your hands tightened against the headboard as your walls clenched at Kylo’s words. He brought a hand back down against your backside as he grunted, “Who do you belong to?”

“You, Kylo!” 

_“Who owns this cunt?”_

“Y...you do.”

_”Who else can make you feel pleasure this great?”_

“N...no...nobody...”

Tears began to pool at the sides of your eyes as Kylo continued to pound into your pliant body. A moment later, and you choked out on a sob as you gave one final clench before cumming all over his cock. Passion zapped between the Force as you fed off of one another’s pleasure. Finally, Kylo came with a groan as he spilled inside of you. HIs cum painted your walls as he shot his seed deep into your canal. 

“ _Fuuuck_ ” he whimpered at your ear as he slowed his thrusts. Gently lowering your body, he pulled out as he turned your body onto your back. Just as you relaxed into the sheets, you felt Kylo press his fingers back into your wetness. He gave you a lopsided grin and murmured, “No. This stays here. _Mine_.” 

You groaned and teasingly kicked Kylo away. Leaning up on your elbows, you gave the man a kiss as you giggled into his mouth, “Don’t be gross, Kylo.” He nipped your lips and finally removed his long fingers. You gingerly reached out for his wrist before wrapping your soft lips around his fingers. He watched in disbelief as your sucked the combined fluids off and swallowed. 

“You’re not fucking real.” He muttered as he flopped down onto his back. He reached over and slid his arm underneath your head before pulling you against his side. You began to doze off, and just before you slipped into unconsciousness you heard Kylo murmur, “I’ve missed you.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I imagine the reader to be a bit weary and cautious when it comes to romantic relationships. Especially after everything that happened to her with her parents and then Poe and Kylo. But that doesn't mean she can't come around with a little bit of persuasion! 
> 
> I also imagined Kylo gaining more confidence and becoming more verbal in bed now that he's getting more comfortable with our reader as well.
> 
> Next up, some fluff and then action! As always, thank you **so** much for reading and for all of the support!


	10. What You Don't Know Won't Hurt You

Your eyes were met with blackness even as they slowly fluttered open. Deep space sure was dark, but at least you no longer had to deal with the frigid temperatures. Not with Ren’s body curled up behind your smaller frame. You held back a chuckle as the small hairs at the nape of your neck rippled with each puff of breath from Kylo. 

Your thoughts were interrupted by a muffled “ding” sounding from the floor. Your hand shot down and it began to pat around various shed garments before settling on a data pad. 

_General Armitage Hux; 0710: Good morning._

You almost snorted. Hux was not one to start a sentence with “good morning” unless he wanted something from you. Rather than reply, you opted to scroll through a newsfeed looking for recent propaganda images of the man who had now snaked an arm around your hips. A notification pinged a second time.

_General Armitage Hux; 0714: You know the Order has mandatory read receipts turned on, right?_

“Oh fuck me,” you hummed in response. Kylo’s hand slid down to your thigh as he purred into your neck, “Gladly.” You laughed and pushed his arm off as you turned to face him. Balancing the datapad on your hip, you propped your head up on a free hand and gazed into Kylo’s sleepy face. He lifted a finger and gently tapped the tip of your nose. 

_Ping!_

Sensing that you were one more notification away from chucking the device across the room, Kylo gingerly plucked it from your hands. The man tapped at the screen a few times before he reached over your body to place it onto the small table by your side. He nuzzled your throat and slowly ran a tongue up your neck. 

“Kylo!”

He laughed at your faux disgust and moved to assault your face with more kisses. You continued to giggle as the man continued to tease. 

_Ping!_

Kylo lifted a hand and the device suddenly flew into the opposing wall. Your lips fell open in surprise as you watched your little pad bounce off a table and then clatter onto the floor. Throwing your sheets off, you stomped over to the metal slab while huffing, “Jeez, Kylo. You know these things are expensive, right?” 

He turned away and muttered, “I’m the fucking Supreme Leader. I pay for those. Shouldn’t that grant permission to do whatever I want?” Laughing at his petulant behavior, you lifted the device and watched as it lit up in your hands. 

_General Armitage Hux; 0716: We really need to go over your mission. We’re aiming for a launch date of two days._

_Guest Account 11034; 0719: I’m busy getting some supreme dick from the Supreme Leader._

_General Armitage Hux; 0725: Fucking hell, Ren._

You covered your mouth despite bursting into laughter. Although Kylo was still taciturn in nature, he really grew into his sense of humor. Ignoring his pleas for you to return to bed, you quickly dressed yourself while confirming a meeting time with Hux. As much as you’d like to lounge around with your lover, you _did_ have a purpose here after all. You were no mooch, and it was time to pull your weight.

Skipping over to Kylo, you leaned down to press a short kiss into his forehead. Brushing back his ebony hair, you murmured a goodbye and made your way out the door towards Hux’s office.

* * *

Back at the glass table again. Although, this time you noticed that the man had set a small purple plant of mysterious origins on his desk. Hux noticed your attention and rolled his eyes. Frowning as if the plant were the most offensive thing he’d ever seen, he stated, “My assistant mentioned that some _decor_ may help ease the severity of my office. Something about putting my subordinates at ease.” 

You chortled, thinking about Hux _decorating_. Leaning back into your seat with a sparkle in your eye, you quipped, “Well, Armitage. Had I known things were going to be so relaxed, I would’ve brought some elastics to braid your hair with. Or some clippers for...you know-” 

“Always with the fucking sideburns.” 

You doubled over in laughter while ignoring the sound of creaking leather as Hux clenched his fists. Sitting back up and wiping the corner of your eye, you replied, “I’m sorry! Okay, okay. I’ll get serious. Let’s talk about the mission!” 

He shook his head in exasperation and reached underneath his desk to pull out a holoprojector. A swath of blue light emanated from the device as the blueprints of a building was projected into the air. The image slowly turned as a section was brought closer into focus.

_The Jedi Archives._

Hux neatly folded his hands across the desk and began, “We recently received intel that an unnamed group is preparing to break into the library in search of information. On what, we do not know. Right now we’re speculating that the burglary is related to the Resistance, but it’s hearsay at this point. We’re only assuming because Poe Dameron was spotted on the planet.” 

Bringing his hand up, he swiveled the projection once again to a smaller room in the back of the building. 

“Whatever it is they’re looking for is located here in the back. Considering the section it’s in, we can deduce that whatever it is they want is highly sensitive and dangerous.” 

The projection buzzed and retreated back into the device. Hux reached underneath his desk and pulled out a folder. Laying the contents on the table, he slowly fanned out the items. Pointing at each piece, he explained, “We need you intercept and disable their agent. Bring them in incapacitated, but alive for questioning. You will also need to collect whatever information they were searching for.” 

You nodded and slowly looked at the table in front of you. Noticing your attention, Hux gestured and continued, “You may enter Coruscant as yourself, but we’ve prepared alternate identification as well. I will allow you to deem whatever is the most effective method of infiltrating the library. We also have an unmarked and unaffiliated ship prepared.”

He sat back and maintained a severe gaze in your direction as you digested the new information. It was straightforward and understandable, but something didn’t sit right with you. It was all of the missing variables that was going to cause trouble. Hux wasn’t sure who or what he was looking for, and the last thing you wanted was to return empty handed and an embarrassment. You didn’t want to disappoint Kylo.

You gave Hux a resigned nod and moved to stand from the table. Gently sweeping the contents back into the folder, you picked it up and tucked them underneath your arm. Smiling at Hux, you replied, “Understood. I’ll see you on the launch bay when it’s time to go.” 

Hux nodded and watched your back as you turned to leave the room. He could’ve sworn that he saw just the slightest of tremors in your shoulders.

Two days later, you found yourself back in the hanger feeling somewhat embarrassed. The last time you were here with Kylo, you had engaged in the shouting match of the century. Judging by how skittish the engineers and mechanics were, you assumed that they hadn’t forgotten what had transpired between yourself and their Supreme Leader. 

“Are you sure you remember how to pilot through hyperspace?” 

You stopped in your tracks and whipped around to throw Kylo a glare. He chuckled, and you felt the ghost of a leather clad finger brush against your bare digits. Your lips turned upwards into a grin, and you resumed walking to your ship. The two of you hesitated for a second as you arrived at the ship. You could see the gears turning in his head as he went back and forth on what to say. Deciding to save him the anguish, you stood on your toes and pressed a subdued kiss on his lips while softly breathing, “I’ll come back to you. I promise.”

He nodded in silence as his hands lifted up on their own accord and wrapped around your delicate fingers. You shared a silent look before it was interrupted by a cough behind Kylo. Immediately dropping your hands, you turned to meet the hard look of Hux. His arms were sharply clasped behind his back. 

“Best of luck. I expect you to successfully return to us.” 

Knowing Hux, those two sentences meant more than what they seemed. He gave you a curt nod and turned to Kylo. The pair shared a look, and finally Kylo relented to allow your departure. Stepping into the craft, you turned once more to the pair. Giving a short wave, you began to prepare for takeoff.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Alright, I lied. The length was getting a bit out of hand, so I had to cut the action to the next chapter and make this one a bit shorter. I'll post again soon to make up for it though!


	11. Chapter 11

You broke atmosphere and gasped. Clouds shifted around the ship as you deftly maneuvered over a stunning city landscape. Lights dotted the horizon as spires reached up into the heavens towering above all else. Slowly turning the craft, you eased it down and landed in a nondescript landing bay.

Time seemed to pass on autopilot, because you were soon stalking the city streets. It was night now - the darkness providing the perfect cover for committing atrocious deeds. Nervousness danced in your veins, almost vibrating against sweat slickened skin. There was once a time when you lived without consequence. But now with Kylo in your life again, it seemed like the world was yours to lose. You finally came upon an incredible building that seemed to stretch towards the skies with no end in sight. Despite being burrowed in the big city, it seemed to sprawl larger than life both outwards and upwards.

_Fuck, how am I supposed to get in there?_

Checking your coordinates, you quickly moved around the architectural masterpiece. Getting as close as possible to the target, you looked upwards in search of an opening.

Bingo! There was a window just off to the side. You quickly shimmed up an adjacent spire before delicately kicking off to land on a neighboring ledge. Shuffling side to side, you made your way across the narrow passage before reaching the window. Feeling around the edges of the pane, you felt it give before popping out the glass with your wiry fingers. Thank goodness for these old buildings.

Gently placing the pane to the side, you gripped the top with your hands before deftly sliding through feet first. You landed with a soft thump and instinctively flattened your back against the wall so you were hidden by the shadows. The interior was deadly silent, with only the soft city sounds from outside to provide ambient noise.

Pulling up a map, you quickly made your way down an abandoned hallway. Columns neatly rose up from the floor in rows and disappeared into the ceiling above. You went about in a pattern - dashing to a column, waiting behind it, and then dashing to the next one. Light flooded into the dark hallway through an arched opening off at the end. The ray of light flickered suddenly, causing your hand to instinctively reach for a blade. It wasn’t the anomaly of a dancing flame - it was a shadow moving across the beam.

You held your breath and tip-toed across the hall just at the edge of the arch. Peering in, you didn’t see anything except rows upon rows of holobooks. Blue light hummed from the neatly stacked glass, but there weren’t any signs to indicate how they were organized. It was probably assumed that whoever came here would know what they were looking for.

Slinking behind a shelf, you gently padded down the room systematically checking the shelves for an intruder. Just as you were about to round the corner to the last shelf, a warm hand tightly wrapped over your mouth. You knew better than to scream, even as an arm slipped around your waist.

You were tugged backwards along the wall before being pulled through an open side door leading to a storage closet that could barely fit two. The door silently swung shut and darkness settled into the narrow space. The calloused handed dropped and turned your body. A click sounded, and then the room flooded with faint light.

You were face-to-face with Poe Dameron. Or more specifically, chest-to-chest.

He brought a single finger up to his lips to indicate silence. You had faced unimaginable horrors in your career - smugglers, murderers, and drug lords were just the tip of the iceberg. But never had another left you stuttering and fumbling for action than an ex-boyfriend like Dameron.

He reached a hand between your waist and arm, causing his chest to press closer to your own. His palm made contact with the wall behind and the man began to slide it up and down in search of something. Closing your eyes, you tried to ignore the feeling of his forearm brushing against your hips.

A latch scraped against stone and a hidden door slid open. Maintaining silent eye contact, Poe slowly pressed himself closer. Every step forward resulted you taking a step backwards. Step-by-step, you walked in tandem until you were inside of a darkened passageway. The door slid shut once again, and then the sound of Poe sighing echoed in the hall.

“Service passage,” he whispered.

Seeing that it was safe to speak, you pushed yourself away from the man and immediately unsheathed your blade. Your eyes burned in conflict and pain as it was leveled with his neck. Poe slowly raised his hands and breathed, “I’m not here to hurt you.”

 _“Too late for that,”_ you bitterly thought to yourself. Instead, you spoke aloud, “Why are you here Dameron?”

He clutched his heart and smirked, “Ouch! After all we’ve been through, and I’m just ‘Dameron’ now?”

Your eyes narrowed into slits as you spat, “I’m not here to play games or rehash the past. Why are you here?”

He bravely stepped closer to your outstretched arm and steadily reached forward towards the knife. Wrapping a firm hand around your wrist, he steadily lowered the weapon and replied, “Why don’t we put this away before you hurt somebody.”

Rolling your eyes, you slipped the blade back into its holster and then placed two fists on your hips. Taking note of your defiant and expectant silence he replied, “I’m here to intercept a holobook. We’re not sure of which one though, but...”

_“Excuse me?”_

Poe’s eyebrow jumped upwards in surprise at your outburst. You pressed the heel of your palm into your forehead and seethed, “You’re _also_ here to catch a faceless thief stealing a nameless book?”

These organizations seriously needed to do more research before sending people out into the field. You huffed in exasperation as Poe watched on in amusement. He had forgotten about your little habits when under stress, and he found the way you chewed on your lip to be endearing. Suddenly his eyebrows knit together as he tilted his head. He addressed you once again.

“Wait. Why are _you_ here?”

Quick as a lightning, you replied, “Private client.”

He narrowed his eyes in distrust, but knew better than to pursue a more thorough answer. You weren’t one to divulge extra information if you didn’t want to, and he knew that stubborn personality first hand. Brushing past your shoulder, Poe began to walk down the passageway. Somehow, despite all of the time and distance that had passed, you felt an inherent trust in the man as you followed behind.

Treading forward, he had unhooked a blaster and held it up with one hand as the both of you shuffled down the hall. It ended with another flat door, and this time you heard movement on the other side. The sound of crystalline knocking against each other was muffled by the door, but it was whoever was rummaging around was in a hurry.

Poe leaned against your shoulder and his warm breath tickled your ear. He whispered, “Look, truthfully I don’t know what we’re about to face. So, how about we work together and deal with each other later?”

There he was again. Poe being Poe. Always with that fucking charm. You rolled your eyes and nodded as your hand gripped a blaster of your own. He lifted up one finger. Then two. Finally a third, and his shoulder slammed against the door. You spilled out into the room and immediately met the eyes of a sandy haired young man. He looked completely out of his element as his blue eyes widened in shock and horror.

Shit. Ruthless assassins you could deal with. Those types of killers were methodical and worked on logic and skill. You could beat logic and skill. This boy in front of you though? Panic and inexperience made for a scary combination.

Your fears immediately came true as the blonde began to fire rapid shots into the air. Panicking, a holobook slid from his fingers and hit the floor. Just before it shattered into a million pieces, you caught the end of the title - something _Vindi_. Poe’s warm hand gripped the back of your shirt as he yanked you behind him.

“Poe! I don’t need you to protect me. I got this!” You seethed. Ignoring your protests, he began to return fire. Feeling frustrated, you nudged your way out to step around Poe. Turning ever so slightly he called out, “Really? You want to fight me now of all times?”

You were gaining ground against the boy as he continued to skitter backwards. You yelled in Poe’s direction, “I’m not fighting! Stop being such a fucking gentleman and let me do my job!”

Dodging the onslaught, the two of you hopped behind a bookcase. The books rattled on the shelves as a shot ricocheted off a wall. The kid was growing desperate, but you needed him alive. You couldn’t let Hux or Kylo down. You...

“Let’s go sleeping beauty. He’s on the move towards the rear exit!”

Groaning, you jumped out from behind to give chase. Determined to catch the boy and then deal with Poe later, you gained ground as you passed the pilot. Your lean legs propelled your body forward, as adrenaline coursed through your veins. Poe shouted from behind, “Be careful! I think he has...”

His words were cut off as a sudden blinding light flashed. The sound of stone crumbling muffled in your ears and your body was tossed backwards. Biting back a sob, you realized that the subsequent crunching sound wasn’t from the destroyed building. It was the sound of your bones colliding with marble.

The kid had detonated a grenade.

Not only was there no longer a holobook to acquire, but you had no prisoner to interrogate. The boy was dead.

Your vision and hearing began to fade as you felt Poe wrap you up in his arms. Choking on blood in your mouth, you sputtered and reached out for something. Anything.

“No, no, no, no, no. Stay with me. Don’t you dare give up on me now,” Poe’s hushed voice whispered into your ear as he pulled your limp body off the ground and up into his chest. Being further behind, he must have been shielded from the blast.

“Poe...Poe, I...”

Your voice dipped off as you were finally consumed with sleep.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I dunno. While I'm not in love with Poe Dameron, he seems like he'd be an _okay-ish_ ex-boyfriend. Even if he did run away in the middle of the night.


	12. Old Wounds

The sound of shrill women bickering slowly pulled you out of unconsciousness. They were arguing over a man or stolen jewelry before a slap rang out and a collective gasp sounded. What the kriff? Maybe this was it. You had arrived in hell. It was time to atone for the sins of years upon years of murder. It was only fitting that...

“Hey, you’re awake,” Poe’s mellow voice gently murmured by your ear over a holodrama playing in the background. Your eyelids felt like bricks as they stuck together, but you willed them to open regardless. You were met with the sight of Dameron as he crouched by the bed, gently brushing back your sweat slicked hair. At some point, he had dressed you in bandages and changed you into soft pajamas. Judging by the size and scent of the garments, you were wearing his personal sleepwear.

You muttered with a frown, “I hope you didn’t use me getting blasted in the face by a grenade as an excuse to undress me.”

One of Poe’s famously playful laughs escaped his lips as he retorted, “Nothing I haven’t seen before.”

“Don’t remind me of the mistakes of my youth.”

“Keep up this attitude and I’ll drop you off on Yanibar.”

“Fuck you, Poe.”

“You already did.”

Your face colored and contorted at the man’s attempt at humor. Immediately catching onto his faux pas, Poe rubbed his hand against his face and muttered, “Shit. Sorry, that wasn’t funny. I didn’t mean to...”

Holding up a hand to stop him, you’d rather the man shut up than continue to embarrass you further. You attempted to sit up, but winced at the pain. Your joints were stiff from lack of use, and it seemed that anywhere with exposed skin was covered in bacta and bandages. Even in the face of death, vanity won out as your fingers ghosted the sides of your cheeks and your neck.

Poe noticed and impishly quipped, “Don’t worry, your face is still pretty as ever. I made sure to leave no scars.” He gave you a smirk before standing up to grab some water. You took advantage of the man shuffling around the room to take note of the surroundings. It looked to be a cheap motel of some sort. The type of place people simply passed through while on their way to more heinous activities.

You needed to get back to your ship. You needed to get back to _Kylo_.

The bed dipped as Poe returned and perched himself at your feet with a glass of water in his hands. Always the gentleman, and always so fucking _nice_ , he pressed forward to help you drink. Gently tilting your head back with one hand, the other slowly poured the cool liquid down your throat. Satisfied that you had enough, he set the empty container to your side. 

It was hard to ignore how his chest brushed against yours as he leaned forward. 

“Poe, I...thank you.” 

He gave a good natured laugh and brushed off your gratitude. Poe lightly maneuvered your body around some pillows as he spoke. “You had me worried there for a second, Spitfire. You’ve been unresponsive the past four days. But I knew you weren’t a quitter.” The man threw you a cheeky wink, and began to serenely remove your bandages. 

Poe spoke, “It looks like you’ve healed up quite nicely. You’ll still be sore for a few days, and your range of motion will be limited.” He continued the process of unwrapping your bindings and wiping off excess bacta until you were finally freed. Even after all this time, his touch had remained heartbreakingly sentimental as his fingers deftly danced over you skin. 

You tugged at the hem of your sleep shirt and opted to change the subject, rather than remain uncomfortably silent. “So, if that kid from the library wasn’t from the Resistance, do you have any idea where he’s from?”

He held your gaze for a moment, as Poe debated whether or not to share information with you. Even while you were dating, he knew that you didn’t work for the most scrupulous of folks. But he had loved you, and thus turned a blind eye. 

Poe sighed and supplied, “Look. Ever since the First Order gained momentum and power, there has been tension within the Resistance. I can’t say much, but I can say that there have been some disagreements within our ranks regarding how much violence is necessary. Obviously the nature of war will always be brutal, but others are willing to take more... extreme measures.”

“So that kid was from a faction that splintered off or something?”

“You could say that. We’ve lost control of some former members. We’re not sure what their endgame is, but they’re planning something unspeakable. They think we’re on the same side, but even we can’t condone their actions. Alright, enough business. Let’s get something in your stomach.”

* * *

Two more days passed, and you were finally well enough to amble about on your own. Although you were healing up quite nicely, Poe still fussed about every time you got up from the bed. You had forgotten about this side of him - the side that was charismatic, warm, and surprisingly gentle. 

“Poe! I’m perfectly capable of using the goddamn toilet on my own!” You screeched as the man restlessly paced outside the closed bathroom door. When you returned to the bedroom, he was sitting on the edge of the bed with elbows on his knees.

“I’m sorry. I just....” 

You made your way over to the man and slowly lowered yourself next to him. Pulling his face away from his palms, you inquired, “What’s wrong?”

Poe looked deep in thought as he stared off into the room. Finally, he breeched the silence and delicately murmured, “I shouldn’t have left in the middle of the night like that. I hope you know that I love...d you.” 

Your body stiffened as he slowly turned to make eye contact. The man gave you a soft look and whispered, “It doesn’t have to be over. The Resistance still needs help. You could come back with me. There’s a place for you there...with me...

“ _Poe_. It’s too late for that.” 

“I’m sorry.”

You gave him a saddened look and quietly replied, “No. You’re not. But that’s okay. We’ve both moved on. You’re still fighting for the Resistance, and I’m still...me.” 

Poe picked at his nails and looked away as he mulled over your words. It was hard to fight residual feelings from the past, even if logic would dictate that it would never work out. That it had all been doomed from the start. 

That night, you quietly snuck out of the room. Just as Poe had disappeared years prior, you also fled into the cover of darkness without another word. 

Sometimes it was just easier to walk away from things. You had loved Poe once, and he had loved you as well. You were happy to leave it at that. Just a clean separation with no messy goodbyes. No complications, and no drama. 

Unfortunately, the Force had other plans for you. 

Dameron woke the next morning, and without opening his eyes he could already feel your absence. After all, you don’t live together with someone for years without becoming somewhat attuned to their presence. He wasn’t surprised though, and he didn’t blame you for departing in that manner. It didn’t make you a coward. Just practical. 

Stepping over the barren floors in his bare feet, he began preparations to return to the Resistance base. Packing up his belongings one at a time, he reached into the back of a dresser for the last of his clothes. Brushing along the interior, his hand ran into a cold and hard object. Fitting just in his palm, he pulled it up to the light and realized it was a comlink. 

That was odd - his was tucked into his vest. Slowly turning the offending object in the air, he realized that it must have been yours. When he had undressed you, he only had time to roughly push your scorched clothing into the back of the dresser. The comlink must’ve fallen out during the scuffle. Seeing that it was off, you must have forgotten about it. 

His finger itched as his thumb lightly ran over the “on” toggle. Biting his lip, Poe took the plunge and turned on the device. Almost immediately, it began to wildly chirp. On instinct, he answered the call. 

An unmistakable voice trilled through the speaker. A voice Poe had hoped to never hear again.

Kylo Ren’s baritone filled the room. 

_“My love, I’ve been worried sick. Where are you?”_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> While I think the idea of Poe and Kylo talking to each other and figuring out that they dated the same women to be kind of hilarious, I can't really see their characters as the type of people to just _chat_ about that. Maybe Poe, but Kylo would probably find the whole thing terrible and get ridiculously angry about it. 
> 
> Oh well, guess we'll see next chapter!


	13. The Severance

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for neglecting this story for a while. I hit a bit of writer's block, but I'm working through it right now. Thanks for being patient!

Poe should have known better, but he was never one to be cautious. Maybe it was the distance that gave him a sense of security and bravado. Or perhaps he was just looking for a fight. Regardless, he blurted out a reply before his head could register the words tumbling from his lips.

_“My love, I’ve been worried sick. Where are you?”_

“I know I’m irresistible, but it’s just never going to happen between us, Ren.”

Static filled the air, only to be punctuated by Kylo’s erratic breaths. Even through comlink, Poe could feel Kylo’s anger slowly building into a fury. 

“Where is she?” Kylo gritted out. His words were strained and Poe could almost visualize the veins pulsing on the other man’s neck.

“I’ll let you know in a second, but for the record - she used to have better taste in men.” 

Was that the sound of something crashing in the background? Willing to push his luck further, Poe continued, “By the way, is there an address I can send her clothes? She left a few things behind.” 

No, Poe was mistaken. That was _definitely_ the sound of something being sliced in half. Not wanting to risk being the man responsible for Ren killing an officer out of rage, Poe sighed, “She was injured, but okay now. She left last night - to where, I don’t know.” 

A buzz sounded, and the line cut off. Poe rolled his eyes. Staring at the device in his hand, he couldn’t help but think that despite his own irritation and bitterness towards your new lover, General Organa would be _very_ interested in this tidbit of news.

* * *

Your emotions were a hurricane of conflict, creating confusion and unrest within your mind. Living most of your adult life as a mercenary meant that you operated out of instinct and the desire to remain alive at all costs. Everything was coming together to be a much more than you were prepared to deal with. You weren’t even sure that you had the emotional capacity to handle the events had transpired. 

Something was wrong with your mission. Very, very, wrong. At this point, you ought to call the Resistance’s faction group what it truly was - terrorists. The face of that poor boy - the wretched child - before he detonated the bomb that would take his life. That was just another nightmare to add to your ever increasing roster of regrets. How could a group so desperate and ruthless be operating in the galaxy? And how could the First Order, the strongest organization with a wealth of resources, have no idea how to neutralize this threat? 

Yet, you were thrust right onto the field with no warning whatsoever. 

Then, there was the trouble of Poe Dameron. Now the man knew you were still active on the field. You groaned and rubbed your eyes in frustration. You didn’t even want to begin unpacking the mess which was his stupid plea for you to rejoin his side. 

That thought brought up the frustrating task of telling Kylo about your nights spent with the past boyfriend and present leader within the Resistance. You had just gotten back together with the man - your relationship hanging by a precarious thread of dancing on eggshells and unpacking past hurts piece by piece. 

Everything was a fucking mess. And you hated messes. 

At the last minute, you pulled back and jumped into hyperspace - towards the opposite direction. It’s not that you had any intention to run away. But your survival instincts dictated that you take a breather. To take some time for yourself to unravel the mysterious that were threatening to build into hysteria. 

How one day on an abandoned moon turned into three was unbeknownst to you. Desperate for clarity, you even attempted to meditate - albeit unsuccessfully. Each time you’d begin, you start to scoff - thinking if only Luke could see me now. Once in a while you’d open yourself up to the Force so much that even from this great distance, you could feel snaps of Kylo’s anguish. You selfishly recoiled from the emotional agony as it crackled along your connection and whipped against the Force like a battered sail during a thunderstorm. 

By the fourth day, you were finally at peace and ready to return. Although your innermost self cried to run away from the dangerous implications of joining Kylo’s side in a war against the unknown, a greater voice screamed over the dissonance. A howl that yearned for Kylo, and a love that ran deeper than any fear of the undiscovered. 

You were finally at peace as you understood your calling. You would stand by Kylo’s side regardless of the burden you had to shoulder.

In the midst of preparing your ship, the shriek of an engine cut through the air as First Order ship landed. Gas hissed from a lowered ramp, and a tuff of bright orange hair emerged above the fog. Flanked by two Stormtroopers, Armitage Hux stomped down towards your ship. 

“You’re a difficult woman to find.”

“Well, that tends to be the desired outcome of hiding.”

_Fuck_. Why was your default attitude always sass? This behavior was going to get you killed someday. Judging by the evil glimmer in the General’s eye, that moment could very well be right now. Hux stood rigidly just a foot from your sheepish self. His brows were knit together, and his lips were set in a fine line. The man was eerily still, as his icy eyes tracked your movements. Alright, let’s try this again.

“Uhm... hey, Hux.”

His eyes narrowed, and the man stepped forward so his face was an inch against your own. Grabbing onto your arm, he hissed, “That’s it? Missing for _days_. Not a word as you vanished into thin air right after a catastrophic explosion. _And_ your ex-boyfriend intercepts a call from Ren, which leads to the destruction of practically _half the goddamn bridge_. And all I get is a _‘Hey, Hux’_?”

Jerking your arm out of the General’s grip, you shouted, “I’m _so sorry_ that half of my fucking face got blasted by a grenade and that I was too incapacitated to give you a call to catch up! Things are _so fucked_ right now Hux. But it’s not like I wasn’t going to come back!”

“So many opportunities to check-in, yet you ignored every one of them. Your selfishness knows no bounds. Have you forgotten that you’re here to do a job?” 

You tried to sidestep Hux, but he moved in time to box you in against the side of your ship. You had never seen the man so angry before. At least not towards you. 

“I just needed some time to figure out if I could still do this...” 

Armitage’s nose flared as he raised his voice. “Ignorance is a privilege you do not have. Nobody chooses to just leave the war. You were born an assassin, and you will die an assassin.” 

Holy shit, there it was. The cold, calculative, and borderline sociopathic Armitage Hux you had only heard about, but never witnessed in person. Your breath nervously stuttered as you took in the intensity of the General’s unfiltered anger. 

“I’m sorry.” 

Hux stepped backwards in surprise. He didn’t even think that an apology was in your vocabulary. And he certainly didn’t expect to be the recipient of those words. He felt his anger deflate at the sight of your sorrowful eyes, and sighed. 

“Come on, let’s go. Your injuries still need to be tended to. Besides, I’m not the one you should be concerned about.”

You paused and whispered, “How’s Kylo?”

The General’s brow twitched as he looked away. “Judging by the state of our residential block, I hope you’re into redecorating.”

* * *

Armitage Hux was not joking about the ruin Kylo had imparted upon his own ship. At one point you had heard Hux dryly mutter that Amilyn Holdo’s collision with the Supremacy left less damage. Seeing the destruction firsthand, you understood where Hux was coming from. Wires hung loosely from the ceiling as lights flickered along the walls. Each flare illuminated more carnage as you tentatively made your way down the corridor to Kylo’s quarters. 

The hallway was completely deserted. The only sound to accompany your footsteps was the spark of a loose wire, or the squeak of metal baring down on metal. It felt like a day of reckoning as your heavy footfalls ended at the door to Kylo’s room. 

It had been slashed diagonally from top to bottom, as if he couldn’t have been bothered to _open_ the damn thing before storming through. Stepping over the two halves, you were met with the sight of devastation. Both in the debris that was once a home, and in the man who was sitting atop a turned over chair with his head in his hands. 

Sensing your presence before seeing you, Kylo refused to look up as he bitterly spoke. “Finally come back at your convenience, I see.”

“Kylo, please let me explain. ‘Sorry’ sounds so _stupid_ , but I mean it. I didn’t mean to upset you. Poe and I...”

The man launched himself from the seat with a sour look on his face. He used the Force to throw part of what was once his coffee table against the wall. Stalking up to your shaking frame he snarled, “You think that this is about _Poe Dameron?_ Your shortsightedness insults me.”

You could feel it - buried beneath Kylo Ren’s fury was the sensation of old wounds being ripped open again. Feelings of betrayal, the fear of abandonment, and broken trust churned together for a cocktail of conflict. 

Suddenly, as if your lung had collapsed, you felt your connection with Kylo sever through the Force. Anguish painted across his features as he forcefully cut himself off from you. 

No. You would not cry. You did not have the right. 

“Kylo,” you choked. “Please, just listen to me.” Your heart threatened to tear in twain as the man turned to look anywhere but you. How did the tide turn so quickly? This was so like you - always messing up every good thing in your life. Just as you were finally ready to completely submit yourself to Ren’s love, you managed to muck it up so badly the man no longer wanted you. 

His voice barely hovered above a whisper. “To have realized that you would rather run, than face your obstacles alongside myself, was the greatest wound of all. To know that despite sharing a Force bond, you still could not bring yourself to find solace nor guidance in our relationship was the greatest betrayal of all.”

Your fingers danced with each other as you nervously played with your hands. What could you say? Kylo’s sentiments were completely called for, and he had every right to grieve your mistakes. 

“Kylo, _I’m sorry_. I fucked up, okay? I...I don’t know...I don’t know how to do _this_.” You gestured between yourselves. “I don’t know how to be a girlfriend, or partner, or whatever. I didn’t...” 

The man’s chest heaved in sorrow as he gently pushed you away. 

“Yes, I seemed to have figured that out too late.” He moved towards the door, but paused for a moment. Hope surged in your chest, as the man lifted his gaze to meet your eyes. Time stood still for just a moment before he finished, “I’ll see you at Hux’s debriefing tomorrow morning.”

With that, he swept out of the room without a second glance behind.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I was struggling to write the main character for a little bit, because I was worried that she'd come off as unlikable. But then I thought to myself - she kind of has to be in the beginning. She spent her entire life struggling to survive on her own, and has never had to account for another's feelings. And after everything Kylo has been through, I think he'd take her actions very personally and have a hard time understanding where she's coming from. 
> 
> Sorry for the angst :(


	14. The Bridge

Always with the damn meetings. 

Hux was once again pacing the room while gesturing to yet _another_ map. How many fucking maps did the man possess? You had an elbow on the table, propping up your head that seemed to feel heaver and heaver. Your index finger pressed against your temple as if you could massage the ginger haired man’s voice out of your head. 

To make matters worse, Kylo was sitting at the far end of the room doing a damn good job of acting like you didn’t exist. Fighting off a sense of devastation that came with the radio silence in the Force, you sniffed and turned your head the other direction. Fine, if he wanted to fight dirty, then you wouldn’t give him the satisfaction of knowing that he was successfully getting underneath your skin. 

You jerked to attention as Hux called your name out. It was time to go over everything that had happened on Coruscant. Clearing your throat once, you began from the beginning - breaking in, meeting Poe, and then the boy with the blue eyes. Hands shaking, you closed your eyes and flinched as your voice uncharacteristically wavered. 

It didn’t even matter that you were hit with a grenade. Physical injuries could heal. But the emotional and mental ones? 

No, those would take time. Especially in the way you screamed at night, or how those innocent blue eyes haunted your vision. 

_He was just a kid._

Just a teenager, holding onto a holobook. Giving his life up for a stupid, ridiculous, useless...wait. You opened your eyes in surprise. “Wait. The holobook. I couldn’t catch the full title before he dropped it. Just one word - something _Vindi_.” 

Hux scribbled the word down and pursed his lips. The word meant nothing, but it was _something_. It seemed as if none of the officers recognized the word either. The General sighed, “Very well. We’ll start from there.” He barked out orders for various officers to research different angles. Satisfied that everyone had work to do, he dismissed the meeting. 

You remained seated, hands folded in your lap, as everyone filed out to get started. Kylo lingered by the door, his expression unreadable. He hesitated for a moment, but swiftly exited as Hux approached and took a seat next to you. 

“There are always casualties to war. But you already know that.” 

You sighed through your nose and looked up at the man. He leaned back and slowly pulled a glove off his hand. Resting it lightly on your arm he continued, “Sometimes it’s not just fallen soldiers, but our own relationships.” 

“It was easier when I was alone. When I only had to account for myself.” 

Armitage gave you a sad smile and gave your skin a few friendly pats. 

“Was it, though?”

* * *

The canteen was surprisingly full despite the odd hour you had chosen to visit. After the disastrous debacle known as your botched job, everybody was on high alert and pulling overtime. That meant that the typically casual nature of the cafeteria had changed for a more weighty tone. It seemed like everyone had their noses pressed against a holopad, desperately looking for literature, a place, or _something_ with the name you had given. 

Clenching a fist, you gave yourself a mental pep talk. After your fight with Kylo, you reluctantly agreed that perhaps some _personal development_ was necessary. You could learn to be helpful and empathetic to the needs of others, right? Of course. You weren’t a barbarian! 

Relaxing your posture and plastering a fake smile onto your face, you scanned the room for potential allies. Settling on a table with a man and women with matching strawberry blonde hair, you slowly meandered towards the pair. The two individuals looked similar to your age, so you figured that was a good place to start. They looked up in surprise just as you arrived at their seats, and you quickly introduced yourself. 

This was the worst. This was exactly why you didn’t have friends. Flashbacks of Luke gleefully forcing every padawan to introduce themselves with a “fun fact” plagued your memory. Especially the part when you stupidly told everyone that your favorite animal was the nerf. That lead to everyone calling you “nerf-herder” for the next three months. 

A smile twisted at your lips as you thought about how Ben had angrily jumped up one day to yell at a group of older padawans torturing you with the silly name. He had boldly claimed that he’d rather herd a _million_ nerfs with you, than hang out with bullies. Although, that valiant act only lead to _more_ teasing, it was the beginning of your love for the boy.

The jokes did stop after Ben “accidentally” Force-choked a kid. Luke was furious, but you secretly liked how Solo stood up for you.

Shaking the thought out of your head, you returned to the present with a friendly smile. “Can I join you guys?” 

The girl nodded and moved aside her things so you could sit next to her. Her green eyes were friendly, and she gave you a quick handshake. “Hi! I’m Hadley, and this is my brother, Wilder.” The man’s demeanor was far less open than his sister’s, but he still remained amiable.

“How’s the - uh - research going?” You were totally shit at small talk. 

Wilder put down his holopad and replied, “A precursory search of the term came up with too many results. So we’ve all been tasked with manually searching the data.”

“What he means is that we have to catalog everything that pinged with the search term by reading or watching all results.” Hadley rolled her eyes at her brother’s seriousness.

“That seems like a lot of work...”

“It is.” Wilder flatly replied. 

The table suddenly shook alongside the sound of shuffling. It seemed as if Hadley had taken to kicking her brother’s leg underneath the table. He grimaced and put on a fake smile of his own. Picking up his datapad once again, he continued, “But I don’t mind the work. Especially since we can work in the library.” 

Hadley gave an approving nod, and you felt a twinge of jealousy. You had always wanted siblings, but thankfully didn’t. Your father abusing one child was enough, and you’d never wish that fate upon another. 

“There’s a library onboard? I thought everything was digitized.” 

Wilder nodded and replied, “It is. But Hux likes to keep physical copies of important documents in case the holonet ever goes down. For emergencies, I guess.” 

The young woman perked up and warmly asked, “Would you like to join us? We were about to head over there for the start of our shift.” You nodded and stood with the pair. You could do this. This was progress. 

Days passed, and you soon had a routine with the pair. Knowing that Kylo preferred to train at night, you opted for early morning workouts in an attempt to avoid the man. After a quick shower and breakfast, you’d meet with Hux to go over any research his officers had found. Lunch was always had alone, and then you’d join Hadley and Wilder in the library until dinner. 

At night, you’d lie awake in bed and throw out a tendril with the Force in search of Kylo’s signature. Sometimes you’d be lucky and get a faint reading on the man, but most nights he’d actively shut you out with static. It was on those nights that the nightmares were the worst. 

Overtime, Hadley and Wilder relaxed around your presence. Upon realizing that you weren’t an actual member of First Order staff, they felt themselves becoming more open and friendlier. Sometimes Hadley would chat about some male officer she fancied, or some holodrama she was following. 

Wilder seemed simpler, and much more invested in his job. He had wanted to be a technician, as he was much more interested in the mechanics of the ship. Always close to his sister though, he ended up choosing to become an officer so they could work together. Once in a while, you’d see him buried in book about engineering, or checking out some schematic to different parts of the ship. You almost felt bad that he had given up on a dream for his sister, but then again - you had never experienced familial love to understand. 

You could almost fool yourself into thinking that you had a place on this ship. That you were fine. At least until you literally ran into Kylo as he exited the gym one day. Of course the gods would be cruel, as you took in the sight of a very wet Supreme Leader toweling off his hair. He stumbled backwards for a moment, as the two of you stared at each other in silence. 

“Oh,” you lamely voiced. 

He narrowed his eyes and moved to push past you. 

“So that’s it? You have nothing to say to me? Not even a ‘hello’?” 

Kylo stopped and slowly turned to face you. Each word squeezed out from his throat with difficulty. “There’s nothing to say. You’re just here to do a job.” 

“Bullshit, Kylo. I don’t need to be here, and you know that. Why are you even bothering to keep me around if you’re just going to make me suffer?” 

“Make _you_ suffer? After that little stunt you pulled? _You’re_ the one suffering?” 

Your featured tightened in outrage as your voice raised. “ _Fine_ , Kylo. I messed up. I get it! But you’re the one who just gave up on me. On us. And...” 

Here it came. It was time to pay the price for burying all of the ugliness instead of dealing with your emotions. As if all of the hurt had piled up behind a dam, and it was finally time to burst. Tears spilled down your cheeks as you cried, “You don’t just give up on people you _love!_ ” 

Kylo’s mouth fell slack - he rarely saw this level of vulnerability from you. He felt as if he was watching the girl he had fallen in love with as a young boy. He wished that you were crying because some jerk had called you a “nerf-herder”. Unfortunately, you were no longer children. He had to face the fact that perhaps he had taken things too far. 

“I...”

His voice died on his tongue as your bloodshot eyes looked up at him in anger and hurt. It was your turn to push the man away as you fled down the hall and out of his sight.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I, too, would herd a million nerfs for Kylo Ren.
> 
> Also, why do I feel like Luke would be the type of teacher to make people play games like "Two Truths and a Lie" at the start of the semester?


	15. To Love a Nerf-Herder

Thank goodness Hux had the sensitivity and discernment to place you in a private quarter away from Kylo. It wasn’t as if the First Order had _that_ many individuals in “upper management” (as you so enjoyed saying to irritate the General). So, instead of awkwardly running into Kylo in the hallway, you were sequestered away on a level lower alongside other Officers. Sure, the accommodations weren’t as nice as upstairs, but you’d even take a mud hut if it meant you didn’t have to see Ren.

You were curled up in your little cot, attempting to trap as much heat between your body and the blankets as possible. A traitorous voice in the back of your mind whispered that you’d be warmer pressed up against Kylo. Shaking the evil thought from your head, you huffed and pulled the covers over your face. 

It was midday now, but you didn’t care. Technically, you weren’t employed by the First Order. Sure, Hux would have appreciated you helping out with the mission, but you just felt so damn _moody_ today. You decided to take advantage of your ambivalent job title, and waste the day alternating between sleeping and crying. At least here in the confines of your room, you could find some solace as you struggled with the emptiness that was the radio silence in your Force Bond with Kylo. 

You shuddered, thinking about his frigidness. A Force Bond was an indescribable connection between two people. As if you were breathing oxygen from the same lungs. The longer you shared one, the more you relied on the other - sometimes for emotional stability, or even physical power during battle. 

To sever that tie would be akin to losing an eye. 

Frustrated, you whipped around and rolled onto your stomach and buried your face into the pillows. Yes, you had been selfish when you ran from Kylo. But you bitterly thought that Kylo was taking this too far. Shouldn’t adults in functioning relationships do things like _talk about your problems_ or _forgive and forget?_

Screaming into the pillow you thrashed your fists against the headboard. Who were you kidding? You wouldn’t know the first thing about a nice and normal relationship. You certainly saw no examples in your own parents. Plus, you and Poe hardly ever fought - he was too damn nice, and you shamefully admitted that maybe you didn’t care enough to find anything to be passionate about with the man. 

_Kylo_ certainly was no expert on the subject matter. You smirked, thinking about his lanky teen self awkwardly leaving you tokens inside your hut at the Temple. He was never the type to use his words. His preferred method of courtship was bequesting you handpicked wildflowers, writing long scrolls in his perfect calligraphy, or stealing snacks from Master Luke’s secret stash. He’d leave his little projects on your pillow, as if they were offerings on an alter.

Buzzing sounded from your door, and you tentatively pulled the sheets away just enough to look towards the door as if you could see through it. Nobody knew where you lived except for Hux. Although, Hadley and Wilder had dropped you off once. But all three suspects should currently be on duty. Sitting up in confusion, you realized that you couldn’t get a signature on the mysterious guest. 

The buzzing continued, and you swung you legs off the bed. Who could possibly be looking for you at this hour? 

Suddenly, the door hissed open - seemingly of its own accord. There, Kylo Ren stood swathed in his typical padded armor. He looked ready for battle with his arms rigidly clasped behind his back, and his disposition hard.

You sighed and dropped your elbows onto your knees and pressed your face into open palms.

“What are you doing here, Kylo? If you’ve come to fight, then you can just stop right there. You win. I can’t keep doing this with you. Every time we push each other away, the misery just becomes more and more unbearable.” 

The man ignored your words, as he stepped into your home. The only sound in the room was that of the door hissing closed behind him. 

Looking up through your fingers, your eyes searched Kylo’s. Where his were soft brown orbs of caramel tobacco, yours were bloodshot and reddened from days of shedding tears. Kylo’s heart clenched at the sight of your ruined demeanor. Although the shared connection was closed, he could clearly see the anguish painted across your features. 

Now standing right in front of you, Kylo slowly lowered to the ground. Kneeling between your legs, he pressed a forehead against your temple. Little by little, foreign emotions began to intrude upon your own psyche. 

_Fear_. Fear that someone you loved more than life itself had been ripped from you forever. 

_Relief_. Relief knowing that they were safe, and out of harm’s reach.

_Terror_. Terror upon their disappearance. Terror that they would never return. Had they disappeared with the pilot? Had you been abandoned you yet again? 

_Anger_. Anger that you had been left in the dark. Offended that you had been deemed unworthy of sharing the burdens of the one you loved. 

_Betrayal_. Betrayed yet again. How many more times would you be cast aside? How many more times would you be left scrambling - chasing - after someone who would never give you their all? 

The feelings slowly swelled into a symphony of discord as Kylo’s emotions battled and brewed with your own. He carefully opened the connection again - slowly, as to not overwhelm you all at once. Renewed tears slid down your face, as you looked into his eyes. His silent plea for understanding and compassion. Your own restrained features begging to be whole again.

He slowly removed a hand from his back, and placed his palm against your cheek. Wiping at your tears, he hummed in an attempt to soothe your pain. Just as your tears finally dried, he pulled his other hand from behind. 

His leather clad fingers were clutching onto a child’s toy - a stuffed nerf. Its fur was soft and brown, with little white plush horns. He gave you a playful smirk and gently pressed the animal against your cheek over and over again as if it were giving you little kisses. 

You huffed a laugh and moved to hold your own palm against the back of Kylo’s hand. Tilting your chin upwards, Kylo lightly pressed a chaste kiss against your lips. It was everything you needed - soft, innocent, and full of promises for the future. 

Looking into your wet eyes, he whispered, “I love you.”

_“I love you, too.”_

Kylo’s eyes brightened as he brought his arms around your waist while your own draped around his neck. He breathed into your shoulder and murmured, “I don’t want to fight with you. We’re not enemies. I want to be...partners with you. Equals.” 

You nodded against his head and Kylo pulled back a little bit. Holding your head between his wide palms he gave you a deep stare and continued, “But we can’t do that if you don’t talk to me. I shouldn’t have to use the Force just to know what’s on your mind.” 

A sniffle sounded from you, and Kylo sighed. He brought his hand to the back of your head and pulled you in against his chest. You quietly murmured into his torso, “I’m sorry, Kylo. I promise I won’t ever run from you again.” 

The words warmed his heart. He felt optimistic that for once, he would no longer have to chase affection and approval. You were finally, _finally_ , his. Kylo pressed little kisses along your hairline and whispered, “I’m sorry, too. I know that I can be a little bit...intense....sometimes.” 

You laughed, and teased, “You think? Mister Knight of Ren with the cross-guard on your saber and black masks?”

He tickled your sides and chuckled, “Hey! I thought girls were into tall, dark, and handsome?” He had now pushed himself up onto the bed. His knee rested between your legs and your back hit the mattress. Giggling as his fingers danced up and down you waist, you squealed, “Kylo! Stop!” He continued to assault you with tickles as your legs kicked against the bed. 

Kylo smirked, “Tell me you think my armor is sexy.” 

Refusing to give in, you tossed your head to the side and held your breath. Unfortunately for you, Kylo liked a challenge. He pressed his hips against yours to keep your body from squirming away and doubled down on his efforts. Finally relenting, you cried out, “ _Fine!_ You’re handsome, and intimidating, and _powerful_. You’re everything to me!” 

Sitting back on his haunches, Kylo looked down at you in awe and tenderness. Cupping your cheek with a hand, his voice dropped in timbre. “Move in with me. Officially. Just, _be_ with me.”

Returning his gaze with one of absolute devotion, you quickly replied, “Yes. Yes, Kylo. Of course.” 

He beamed at your response and began to smatter kisses along your face. Making sure to cover as much skin as possible, he ignored your protests of slobber and pressed kiss after kiss into your skin. In between each touch of his lips he murmured, “I love you.” 

“I love you.”

“I love you.”

_“I love you.”_

Looking up into his caramel eyes, you whispered, “I love you, too.”

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some fluff to soothe the soul. No lie, this was probably one of my favorite chapters to write.
> 
> Coming up, we continue on the mission and try to figure out what the hell is going on!


	16. The Snake

Books have never really been your thing. You always dryly joked with clients that you worked better with your hands anyways. Part of you bitterly wished that you had been a more studious child. A book-ish type of gal probably didn’t have to go galavanting around the galaxy killing unsuspecting people and creatures alike just to pay the rent. 

Life had a way of being funny though, and now you found yourself spending more time reading as an adult than in all of your youth combined. In adulthood, the act of reading seemed like much less of a chore. Or perhaps it was the cloud of danger looming over your head that served as motivation to consume as much literature as possible. Either way, you certainly had no complaints while raiding Hux’s spectacular library. Still in line with the sleek aesthetic of the First Order, the spacious room was lined from floor to ceiling in sturdy metal shelving. Half of the room was filled to the brim with holobooks, while the other half housed actual books. Paper bound together in cotton thread and sandwiched between leather. 

One might argue that such items could be considered artifacts, but Hux was much too practical to house anything just for looks. You thumbed through pages upon pages of text, and soaked in the words of a time now passed. These books were so ancient that you often had to take the time to look up extraneous vocabulary you were unfamiliar with. 

You held back a laugh as the memory of discussing the usefulness of a “microwave” with Kylo surfaced to the forefront of your mind. 

While you were studiously combing through text, Hadley was skimming at best. Your mouth twitched in amusement as you watched the woman go through the motions of reading. She’d thumb through a few pages, pause here and there while pretending to make a notation, and then quickly shuffle the book into her “done” pile. Hadley was what your mother might have considered a “fun” friend, as opposed to a “work” friend. 

You gingerly closed the book in your hand and whispered, “Hey, Hadley. Why don’t we call it a day?” 

The woman gave a dramatic moan and thumped her head against the glass table. “Oh my stars, I thought you’d never ask.” You laughed at her antics as she made a big show of sweeping her things into a bag and standing with a flair. Hadley giggled as you looped a hand around her elbow and tugged her down the hallway while she happily chatted away. 

“...and then, Charisse came home early from work hoping to surprise her husband for their anniversary. _She_ ended up being the one surprised though. There were not one, but _two_ , speeders parked on the street! The writers are doing such a good job on this show! You know, I had wanted to be writer back on my home planet, but then the war started. But I wasn’t any good at it, really. I think I’m much better at numbers. At least that’s what my First Order skills assessment said. Anyways, Wilder thinks that the second speeder belongs to...”

You were walking shoulder-to-shoulder with Hadley as she droned on about the latest installment of her holodrama. As much as you enjoyed her companionship, you could certainly do without a play-by-play of which fictional character was sleeping with whom. Still, the company was welcomed and her incessant rambling was a very small price to pay. 

Turning a corner, you listened in silence until stopping in front of an elevator. Hadley gave a friendly waggle of her fingers as she continued down the hall while you stepped on. It was close to evening now, and you were looking forward unwinding after a long day spent at the library. 

The blast doors to your shared quarters with Kylo hissed open, and you meandered down the hallway until entering the bedroom. Your face slipped into a natural smile as you took in the sight of your little plush nerf sitting atop a freshly made bed. In two short weeks, you had settled into a rather domestic routine with Kylo. Although the First Order was still in the midst of war, the moment you stepped into the threshold of home it was as if all outside stressors melted away. 

Kylo was your rock, and the keeper of your sanity. To the galaxy he was a ruthless and hardened dictator. To you, he was the man you held at night as he nuzzled the side of your face with his soft lips. Every night he’d whisper words of affirmation and adoration in a constant fight against your demons. 

You were his greatest love, and he would never cease to remind you of the fact. 

Pulling off your compression top, you slipped on one of his larger shirts as a sleep top. The oversized garment was not only comfortable, but smelled of Kylo as well. A mix of detergent and a masculine musk you couldn’t quite put a finger on. Wandering back into the living room, you suddenly noticed a small blue envelope on the table. 

Curiosity peaked - hardly anyone ever wrote things down. Any correspondence was usually sent via holonet. The front was unmarked except for your name sprawled in an unfamiliar script. Plucking the mail up, you swiftly tore the front open and pulled a single card out. 

_Remove the head to stave the spread of poison._

Your hands trembled as you flipped the card around. An illustration of a snake with its head removed graced the back of the card. A sudden hiss sounded behind you, and you yelped in surprise as the card went fluttering to the floor. Whipping around, you breathed out a sigh of relief as you caught sight of Kylo entering the quarters. 

Instantly picking up on your panic through the Force, he tossed his cape to the floor and rushed to your side. Noticing the offending blue piece of paper, he bent to pick up the card. You watched in silence as Kylo read the note, and then turned it over. 

“Do you know where this is from?” He asked. 

You shook your head, and Kylo’s frown deepened. Your breath shuddered as you whispered, “It was addressed to me though. And...how did it get in the room?” 

The word _traitor_ seemed so dramatic, but how else could the message have been delivered? Immediately you felt so violated. So vulnerable. Someone had accessed your private quarters to deliver a threatening message. Kylo seemed just as shaken as his hands trembled. He quickly tucked the card into his pocket, and wove his fingers into yours. 

“Come. We need to find Hux.” He flatly stated before tugging you out of the room. 

Everything felt like a blur as you flew down the corridor alongside Kylo. Although his strides were twice the length of your own, adrenaline and anxiety propelled your feet at an unnatural pace. Before you knew it, the two of you were settled inside of Hux’s office, and the two men were discussing the card in hushed tones.

“Uhm, hello? There’s a third person here.” 

Kylo’s eyes met yours, and you recognized a look of worry. While you’d like to be touched at his concern for your emotional state, you were never one to be coddled. Slowly standing from your seat, you confidently walked over to join the two men. Hux pushed the card in your direction and asked, “I understand that this question is redundant, but you have no idea who could have sent you this?” 

“No. I don’t even understand the reference.” 

Picking up the blue piece of paper, you held it up to the light and turned it around in your hand. Save for the threatening message, there was nothing spectacular to note about the piece of stationary, 

“Who would even have access to paper? And why would they target her?” Kylo hissed. His fists were tightly balled as he stared at the card.

Hux rubbed his gloved hands together and quietly assessed the situation. You could almost hear him thinking as his brows furrowed. The man sat in his seat and ran a hand through his ginger locks before sighing, “There are too many possibilities. It could be someone from her past attempting to seek revenge. Or a member of the terrorist organization we’re currently investigating. Maybe it’s someone seeking to target Ren through her. We really can’t tell.” 

You sarcastically huffed, “Well, at least we know it’s not someone from the Resistance.” 

Kylo turned to you and quirked an eyebrow before you responded, “I mean...it’s a bit too _poetic_ for them, wouldn’t you say?”

Hux pressed a finger to his temple. “At the very least, neither of you can return to your quarters tonight. Clearly, security has been breached. We’ll move you elsewhere for now, and in the meantime I’ll have someone review footage to see if there has been any suspicious activity on the executive deck.” 

“More suspicious than someone leaving _mail_ in our room?” 

You stifled an eye roll as Hux threw you a murderous glare. He was about to launch into yet another tirade regarding you inability to remain serious at any given time when Kylo interrupted. 

“Of course. We’ll start from there.” The man then gave you semi-threatening squeeze on the shoulder, as if pleading for you to _behave_. Kylo sighed as you crossed your arms in defiance. You refused to allow some unnamed intruder make you feel fear within your own home. You would not be motivated by anxiety. 

Your confidence could only take you so far though. Soon, even you couldn’t ignore the realities of what you were about to face. 

Because three days later, an officer was found dead on the bridge. The man was clad in armor made to mimic that of Kylo’s own combat robes. His hair had been synthetically dyed black, and the body of a headless snake had been carved into the man’s flesh.

Five days later, and a woman was found on the floor of the executive gym. Her hair had been done up to match yours, and she wore similar robes as well. Even as a mercenary who had witnessed some of the most atrocious acts within the galaxy, you couldn’t help but feel your breath stutter at the sight of a lifeless near-twin sprawled out in a room you frequented daily.

Peeling back her bloodied tunic, you gasped in shock and fear. 

The head of a serpent had been etched onto the woman’s chest.


	17. Chapter 17

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *Awkwardly reenters the room after half a lifetime of not updating this fic*
> 
> Yeah, I may or may not have had to sadly re-read my own damn fic, BUT here's a new chapter! 
> 
> A quick recap: a warning in the form of one letter and two dead bodies has been found on the ship. Who the warning is for, and what the purpose is, has yet to be discovered. Hadley is a friend, who has a brother named Wilder.

Glass shattered against cold durasteel as you threw plate after plate against the wall. You were about to go for the coffee table when an invisible force suddenly wrapped around your wrist to keep it in place. Twisting your neck around towards Kylo you snarled, “Stop that! Do you know how _rude_ it is to use the Force against me?” 

“I think having cutlery fly near face could be considered far more rude,” Kylo teased in response.

“I’m a warrior by nature, and now I’m reduced to doing paperwork and looking for clues in a library, Kylo! As if I’m living in some shitty detective holodrama!”

Ignoring the viciousness of your frustration, Kylo released his Force grip on you in exchange for a physical one. Wrapping a gloved hand around the small of your back he hummed into your hair, “Domesticity suits you, though”

“No. Not having the threat of death looming over us suits me. It’s what gives my cheeks their rosy complexion,” you huffed into his padded shirt. Despite your tumultuous emotional state, somehow being enveloped in Kylo’s embrace managed to calm your demeanor as you buried your nose into his chest. 

The man could only chuff in amusement. You were his little firecracker, and he loved you immensely for it. Softly running his hand through your hair, he did his best to comfort the dissent churning within your chest. 

“You are a powerful Force user, a wicked warrior, and a stunning beauty. Surely, this situation isn’t insurmountable?”

You pushed Kylo away to give him a withering look. “Are you seriously trying to downplay a _death threat?_ ” 

The man gave you a nonchalant shrug, and you smacked his chest in mock annoyance. This was just like Kylo, but how could you have expected anything else? The man was notorious for running into the battlefield with nothing more than adrenaline and if he were lucky, a half-assed plan. 

Although you’d never admit it out loud, Kylo was lucky to have Hux. And vice versa, of course. But where Kylo was all muscle, Hux was definitely brain. Kylo may have been content to hack away through the universe while entering battle after battle, but it was Hux’s strategic maneuvering that catapulting the Order to what it was today. 

You sighed and finally relented to Kylo’s attempts at lifting your spirits. Stepping into his outstretched arms, you nuzzled into his chest and murmured, “I’m sorry for being difficult and breaking all of our silverware.” 

He merely chuckled and ran his hand through your hair, a habit that you quickly learned was equally for his benefit as it was for yours. Somehow the repetitive motion always lead to calming himself as well. “Why don’t you go and take some time off with your little friend? I’ll even get out of the way so you guys can watch holodramas at home.”

“You know you sound like a total jackass when you refer to Hadley as my ‘little friend’, right?” 

Kylo laughed and pulled you tighter into his chest. His voice felt like a rumble through his chest as you pressed closer against his armor. “Yet, you love this jackass and share his bed every night.” 

“Shut up.”

* * *

Hadley let out a low whistle as she took in her surroundings. Kylo was a soldier at heart, so even as he ascended the throne, he kept his quarters functional and modest. Even when you moved in, nothing changed much about the home. It wasn’t like you were interested in decor or the like. Certainly not in the way Hux changed motifs and styles in his own quarters on a yearly basis. 

Still, Kylo _was_ the Supreme Leader. That meant the entire place was furnished in the latest and greatest when it came to tech or the quality of furniture. Plus, if there was one luxury afforded to the man, it was the ridiculously high ceilings. You enjoyed teasing the man that he was tall, but not tall enough to warrant twenty foot ceilings. 

That only earned an eye roll and rebuttal that you could bitch all you wanted, but you never complained about the ample room for him to fuck you against any given wall without the risk of slamming your head into the ceiling. 

_That_ earned an uncharacteristic blush from your cheeks as Kylo walked off with a snort. 

You were staring at said wall when Hadley waved a hand in front of your face. You shook your head as she giggled and tugged you towards the huge living room. She had picked a fresh holodrama to introduce to you, and the service droids had prepped and dropped off a spread of snacks for the marathon. 

Snuggling into the cushions alongside your friend, the two of you tugged a large blanket over your thighs and pressed “play”. 

A few episodes later, Hadley interrupted the show. Her voice was barely a murmur, but it was still clear. “This is nice. Thank you for inviting me. It’s nice to...feel normal during the war. You’re so lucky to have the Supreme Leader...” 

Hitting pause on the show, you turned to face your friend. “Of course! I love hanging out with you. And, I guess that I _am_ lucky, but our story is far from normal.” 

That piqued Hadley’s interest, and you wondered if you had shared too much. While you’d consider Hadley a friend, she was still technically an employee of the First Order. Hux would definitely have a fit if he knew you were cuddling on the couch with one of his subordinates while sharing love stories regarding their feared Supreme Leader. 

Hadley tilted her head and looked at you with wide and curious eyes. 

You sighed, “I don’t even know if I should be telling you this but...” Hadley shifted closer towards you and eagerly waited with patience. 

“Look, I know that things might sound nice. I get it - failed Jedi turned Commander who then ascends the throne and becomes Supreme Leader. All while having the privilege of turning his back on a family legacy filled with esteem and power. But Kylo’s past... _my_ past...our gift in the Force comes with a price. A price that we’re not sure we would have been willing to pay if we had known the cost.” 

“What do you mean?”

“Sure, our gifts may have been ours. But sometimes it doesn’t feel that way. All our lives we’ve been manipulated and forced into serving others. Kylo for Snoke, and myself for those who hired me to kill on their behalf. For the first time in our lives, Kylo and I can finally enjoy autonomy. It’s humanizing in the saddest of ways.” 

Hadley looked uncomfortable as she awkwardly tugged at the edges of your shared blanket. “I never thought of it that way,” her voice was quiet. Just barely above a murmur. 

“No. Not that many people do, so don’t blame yourself. When you posses a power, people often have a difficult time imagining you as a person. They don’t realize that Kylo and I, we have our own shortcomings and fears. That we struggle to love and be loved. Even the most mundane of concerns still plague us. Yet, the world wishes to hold us to a higher standard that we could never live up to.” 

Her eyes flitted up to meet yours as she reached out to grasp your hands. Lip trembling, she whispered, “I’m so sorry.” 

You cocked your head to the side and realized that her mind was completely clear. Not a single blip in the Force registered coming from Hadley. And part of you wondered - just _what_ was the young woman sorry for?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I haven't given up on this fic. I swear! TBH I have the main plot points figured out. It was just the matter of how to get to each point that was troubling me. I had a small bout of inspiration, and I hope that I can keep it up because I actually really love writing this fic. Thank you so much for your patience and understanding. If anyone is still around, please do leave a comment and say "hi"! Here's to hoping to see you guys soon!


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